I know

What do I know. Day in and day out. If I were to define know, it includes doubt and fear. Even for this black and white one, nothing human is 100%. We come with built in doubt. We come with fear of our own and others making. We are passionate and that alone brings its own set of challenges. Anything that produces a emotional high, runs the risk of being trouble. We are at best, imperfect people. At our worst, the unthinkable. We all carry the ability to feel passion but there definitely is a scale. Some of us feel it occasionally, like our favorite song or movie. And some of us feel in everyday in most everything. This week, this song came to mind and has not left.

I know that my redeemer lives. The Steve Green version on the Young Messiah album. Most certainly doubts and fears wrapped into this know and yet, it holds firm. All week, everyday, it would keep coming back over and over. Then this photo yesterday as I just listened to the kids in Keaton's bedroom which is the Cheers of our lives. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name...

Gage's face and I know are different sides of the same coin. Reminded immediately that life is full of pieces and if you spend a little time paying attention, it will be worth it. These times are my favorites. My camera just takes over and more importantly, they allow me in. What an honor. What a life.

Free crab tomorrow

 While we wait for the grad festivities to start, we are sitting in the parking lot of Joe's Crab Shack. Lamenting the concept that we were 24 hours too early to the free crab party. Then it hits me, this would be the same wall that would tease me the next day. And the next. And the next. We are chasing a ghost. The ghost of free. The ghost of something for nothing. The ghost of a truly empty shell. Pretty smart guys. Hard to believe they are going out of business. Certainly not for a lack of creativity, this is brilliant. We might always be tempted to come back tomorrow for the free crab but will do so with a smile and and bit more of smarts.

For the love of June

 There is little doubt on what will be the highlight for our family this month. We did all the pomp and circumstance last night, nothing left to do but party. In four years, we will do it again. Another 2 years and the Smith High School grad commencement tour will be over. Started gathering photos for both future honorees today. So many memories packed into a very short time. While looking for baby photos today, I found the grad announcement of my friend's grandson who now plays in the NFL. Gage reminded me I have four more years to take photos of him, sounded a bit like a better pace yourself nudge. We all remember our high school graduation. So many hopes and dreams, filled with worry and doubt. My advice to my Class of 2017 grown up love has been to find his pace and place. It will take a while to find his place, where he belongs and believes in himself but he also has only his own timetable. There is much evidence that most of us are rushed into paces that are not ours, in places we have no business being in. My encouragement to him will always follow his lead not the other way around. He truly is the captain now. I am the passenger with pom poms, cheering the Captain on. I could not be more proud, nor could I love him more. Keaton, go find your way, your pace with all the knowledge and experiences to guide you. I will be within reach if you need anything. In the words of your fabulous father, make good choices. Congratulations Love.

Welcome

 

It was a great wedding. Really great. Not just because the bride and groom are so right for each other. The bridal party doing the Cupid shuffle was a major highlight but there was more. The bringing together of two culture was a glory to behold. The merging of expectations of the marriage were honored in such a profound way. By the end of the rehearsal and then wedding day, I wanted to be related to each and everyone in these families. There was a true welcoming on both sides and you could feel a new love starting for the couple and the extended families. These two were the sweetest and best dancers.  It was a stunning sight to see the love and realize we are all looking for the same things. The love of a family and the feeling that we belong.

Forsake

 Forsake is defined as the promise not to desert or abandon. Not to leave, nor to turn your back on. That doesn't mean to take away all the things that hurt. We all know Stories of pain that we could not imagine living through. Grief that is unimaginable. There is no beauty in pain, there is all kinds of crazy beauty in knowing you are not in a state of being forsaken.

Hubby and I just had the which is greater talk, love or hope. I still can't believe that he chose Love and of course, I chose hope. I still stand by hope. I think the forsake and hope duo is a one/two punch in the process of healing but I understand the hope of forsake/love aspect. 

I will not leave you or forsake you. Those are powerful promises. Most of us in sane moments,  would not utter those words out loud. Why? Because we know we can't promise that. It is not in our power to provide that service. There are days when are superpowers seem to make us think anything is possible but when we are our right minds, we understand. We are promised to not be abandoned. We are promised not to be alone. We are promised the kind of love that can not be taken away. That is his promise to us. To be with us. When it comes down to it, that is what we want. To be loved, to be known, to not be forsaken. 

Hope

  Had a church Moment wth several ladies this week. I will never cease to be amazed at the power of women in conversation. There is love and power and hope. As I reflect back on our time together, the hope stands loud and clear. There were conversations within conversation. There were heartfelt things of life shared. You could not walk away without realizing you are not alone. In experiences, thoughts or circumstances. Everyone is dealing with Something and if you start applying a scale, you are missing the point. I walked back to my car wondering if in any situation, does love trump hope? Whether illness, grief, hurting family, job loss, is hope the greater?Can hope be taught? Do we offer  up hope as the first step rather than the last. Can you survive with love with our hope?  With hope, without love. I think back to my teen years when good thoughts were few and far between and what saved me, eludes me. Older, more life experiences now convince me that hope is what the human experience craves to know. I can only share my Story, it is all I have and it tells to keep on going. One day at a time. Just breathe and try to enjoy those moments that feed the soul. They are not few and far between.

The culture of April.

  Moving forward, Easter, Miss M's 12 th Birthday, the first anniversary of my sister's passing and immersion in S Town. My April so far, has been chocked full. STown. Last month when Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance was announced as April's book club selection, S Town was not even on my radar. I am now on my third time through the 7 chapter podcast. Completely submerged in a culture I know nothing about yet there are similarities that have brought me to tears. I heard something today that I had not noticed the first 2 times. It's is on the back mental burner, waiting to be processed. Maybe May.

Would I recommend it to you? There is language. A lot of it. STown stands for Shit town and is referred to often. If you could put aside being offended by a culture that is matter of fact about cursing, absolutely. Finding the same language in the book club selection, another of the things I have in common with these people is growing up with language that many would bristle at. What you would get in return might possibly be worth it, your call. The third time through We are listening to it in the car, back and forth when we go to the kids. By now I know the story so I am listening for different things than my first time driver. Adding the book in is almost a letdown because STown is so brilliant and overwhelmingly, real. I am learning to merge the two and the experience is one I don't want to leave. Not because I want to be one of them but because in their humanness, I see my own. I will end this month with the people of STown and the family of JD Vance, close. Family has many edges, and lest we forget, so have each one of us.