Dear 62,

You are officially, now here. Unofficially, you and I have been trading spit for a few months. Jumping through all the SS hoops but maybe more importantly, getting ready mentally. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that there are more years behind me than in front of me. You are much better than your cousin, 60 was. She was a killer and would not even meet me halfway. Her way or the highway ,was how she put it.

You are a kinder, gentler soul. You are making the day a bit brighter. Dare I say I have learned a few things, or maybe just decided they were true or worth looking into. God is more of who he says he is, I can see more and more of His touch. His promise isn't to make all the bad go away, but walk with him. Coming to Him later in life, I somehow picked up the idea that he would take care of it all the Bad Stuff and by that I mean, make it go away. Silly girl, he never promised that. I was following the wrong trail, going down the rabbit hole.

Look forward to my year with you. You are a swell gal, starting today - it is you and me, Girl...Love zalaine

Word...

She read this from a little piece of yellow pad paper. She had come across her Path and she just wanted to share.

The Story of every Christian is the story of a powerful intervention by a gracious God.
The Christian Story is not a Story of moral self-improvement or mental discipline or the cultivation of religious habits or tasks.
We are not saved by the quality of our character or the purity of our devotion or the frequency of our confession or the diligence grace of our charity.
No, we were dead. And God made us alive...

I asked if I could keep the piece of paper. Not only strong words but it was written in her all too familiar handwriting. I have read several time a day since I got it, and it reminds me each time, that I am loved. Period...

Hardwired, we all come with Something. Whether the color of your eyes, or the texture of your hair - there are some things about us that do not change with experience or environment.
The rest is up for grabs. The rest is the hard part. The rest will be with you for all your days. This side of Heaven, we will struggle, cry, scream, deny, and we will be changed. Sometime of our own choosing, and sometime, not. We get to choose two we react, we get to choose if want to continue on. Gratitude brings that small voice who would have one give up, say no. I am going no further. Gratitude forces us to look at the Big Picture. It is a picture filled with hope, and love, and even more. Look around today for yours, it is there for the asking. It is worth it, and then some...

Life in the fast lane...

This year, it feels like I am being dragged by the skin of my teeth. There seems to be a big push to get to Christmas, it feels like it has been going on since October. Not a fan.

I am still in my fall mode, the colors are at the end of their season yet I got this gem today. The sun was shining and felt warm on my back as I shot up to the sky. The yellow, blue and red Moment was there for the taking and I most certainly did. Christmas has been on the retail shelves, right along Halloween and Thanksgiving, to where I almost don't notice it. It is already in full bloom. We are now shopping on Thanksgiving Day, no time to digest our turkey. They say that Black Friday may be a thing of the past. The cashier at Walmart told me when she asked her mom about Thanksgiving plans she told her, she was going shopping so they are doing their own thing. Sad, isn't it?

I don't like being shoved and pushed.
I don't like being told when and where.
I can't imagine tripping over Thanksgiving to get to Christmas.
Not now, not ever...

Thankfulness journey 2013...

Part of learning to be available and fluid, is you never know where it is going to lead you. I had an idea of what I wanted my 30 days of Thankfulness to look like this year, but we have gone completely off my chartered course.

This year, I am no posting my daily thoughts on what I am thankful for one any particular day. This year, I am keeping it close to the vest. Not sure why, but some years are like that. This one is leading me to take photos and to study them. Several had brought me to my knees. The detail, the single focus seem to be the theme. To see what I see, and not always looking to what is ahead. It is all about the photos this year and if you know me, I really am not much of a landscape photographer. I prefer people, people doing things and not looking at me. The whole street photo thing but this year, the leaves and the buds, are speaking to me. I am going to go with the flow, travel down its highway with all the dips, turns and wherever it takes me. I have the time, I have the ability and I am, the least bit curious...

creative traffic jam...

The location that we chose to take DD and her friend's family photos needed a traffic light, last Sunday. Touted by the weather liars as the last nice day this year, and since, having had two more, we all ran out with clients and family, to get the deed done. It seemed no matter where you stood, someday else's face was in your photo. At times, I was back to back, with another photographer. More than a few shots, have extra people in them.

This artist and her friend were there at the beginning but them I lost track of them. I imagine they might have been a bit more irritated with all of us and were just looking for some peace and quiet to do their thing. They were in a prime location, by the water and maybe, they felt the pressure. We, creative types are a bit fickle. When want what we want, when we want it. Maybe you don't have to be creative to feel that way, perhaps it is common to all of us. We tried to be polite, and stay out of other's photos. One gal set up shop and had clients, coming and going. The rest of us, just winged it.

We would later move to another location. This time, we had to share the space with fishermen. We never saw any actual people until the end so the only obstacles was shooting around vehicles. I think we got what we needed. After a couple of hours, we were ready for ice cream. Creative or not, you got to know when to fold em...

if you just smile...

Smile though your heart is breaking
Smile even though it's aching
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

Most of us can only handle one thing at a time. We are a single focused people and when we have to multi focus, we tend to get frustrated and sometimes, find ourselves in trouble.
You can't tell from this picture if it was taking out in the beautiful Idaho wilderness or in a row of trees in a subdivision. This is how we see.
The One who made us, sees it all. The subdivision ( yes it was in a subdivision), the city, the town, the country and past. We see a little portion and base the many decisions we make everyday on that myopic view.
We weren't meant to see it all.
We were meant to trust in Something bigger than ourselves.
Enjoy your view, and trust in Him...

basketball...

No longer in Upward basketball, no more prayers before a game. No more everybody play nice, this is Big Boy basketball and he is ready. Twice the practice time and games last much longer. The civility is gone and just like Real Life, it is time to step up.

Boy, they play rougher. Kids are bigger and now, there is a real score. Somebody wins and somebody loses, just like Real Life.

He loves it. He is fast. He knows that some of the kids are bigger but he most certainly understands that fast can overcome, tall. There were harder hits, the rules make for tougher ball. Us moms cringe with every boo boo, the men don't even blink an eye.

The only kid on either team with long hair, he is easy to spot but hard to keep track of. He is growing up. Heading for 12 but is much, more mature for his age. He is our light, he brings sports to all of our attention and he is ready to go so we are going to hold on and go with him. This boy, has grabbed all of our hearts and run away with them.

When someone had thrown the ball out of bounds, he marched up to the ref right before us and said, I traveled. No whistle was blown, no one knew except him. The ref thanked him for his honesty and there were a few parents around us that caught on too. One big burly day, said that was cool. Their reaction tells me that this doesn't happen a lot. I am sure it doesn't but they haven't met Gage and in about 8 games, it will be obvious to all that this is some kind of kid. Is there a place for him in Real Life basketball, you better believe it. Watch out, here he comes!...

Thankful for the things that didn't happen...

Sometimes, I am thankful for the things that didn't happen in my life. Often I thank God that I was not a young widow, trying to raise a child on my own. Things that can no longer happen, life's bullets dodged. I will never experience the pain of having a still born child, that will never be asked of me. As the years go by, the list gets longer and longer. I have been given the life I have and as the years go by, I understand more and more, I wouldn't trade with anyone else in the world...

Thankful 2013...

I loved doing the Thankful journey for the month of November last year, that I am doing it again. Before things get cray, cray and retailers have visions of my dollar signs and how to get them, dancing in their heads, I want to remember to be more thankful. I want gratitude to flow as easily from my brain. to be aware of every Moment.

Will be keeping a digital journal, filled with photos of fall, as many as I can get, mixed with the Stories that come my way. They are both already, stating to stack up. Found this new place to shoot family photos and the light could not be more magical that it was this weekend. We are playing Beat The Clock, trying to get my SIL's shed built before the snow flies and it started flying on Sunday. The boys also had an hour less of daylight as we left Daylight Savings Time. It is crunch time, indeed.

Going to shake it up a bit this year. Being thankful is about understand that not only what you have but maybe, what you don't have. We tend to put everything we think in one of two categories, good or bad and we leave them there. The truth is, they can go back and forth. I know, coming from Miss Black and White, that sounds unauthentic. Sometimes, we learn what not to do and there can be extreme gratefulness in that lesson. I seem to understand and comprehend better but learning the pitfalls, and changing course. The tendency to be grateful for only the good, seems a bit short sighted and I am going to be open to exploring that this year.

This was Friday's entry,

Chocolate comes from cocoa,
which is a tree.

That makes it a plant.

Chocolate is salad.

It is day four and I am learning every day. Where each thankfulness morsel will come from, and will I catch them all. Probably not but I am good with the knowledge that I will get what I see. All I have to do is keep my eyes open...

YOLO...

A comedian on Bob and Tom yesterday talked about something that will ring true for most of us. To paraphrase, You do something that is good for you but then you take it too far and run it into the ground, and it turns horribly bad for you..


Does the animal world do this too or are we special? Most of us could take something, anything good and turn it into one the biggest disasters, ever. Heard about a new web site yesterday where you post selfies from funerals you attend. There was a teenage boy who selfied himself with his dead grandmother in her casket in the background. Didn't see the caption but it is not too far of a stretch to imagine there was something about granny photobombing his selfie.

YOLO. You only live once. We act like this a lot. We make purchases, decide relationships and live in the YOLO world. Not specific to any gender, or generation, nothing seems to be lefted undone. Nothing.

Had to laugh last night. DH called while we were out trick or treating last night and talked to my SIL. After telling Papa that nobody needed anything from the store, SIL told her to be safe and make good choices. It is Something that is stressed at their house and I think should be mandatory in every household.

Make good choices, YOLO...

mixing it up...

One of my most favorite mobile apps is Image Blender. You take two photos, the app does the blending but you get to decide how much of each photo shines through. Easy peasy. Just like Real Life, said no one ever.

Gage and the BSU Broncos was an easy pick. I call it, You can't take the football out of the boy. They are peanut butter and chocolate. Perfect together.

Stevie and the trees were a bit more technical. The photo of the trees was shot up, from the ground to the sky. How this photo blended so well with the beach and man, was pure accident. It is one of my favorites.

Now if only there were an app for Real Life. Image Blender for your life, give us your people, issues, problems and we will melt them together. Like they belong, and have always been this way. But alas, we all know this won't happen, isn't possible and most likely, we humans would find a way to mess this up too. Sometimes we want Something so badly, we would sell our souls to get it. Relationship that aren't working, marriages on the rocks, kids fighting and on and on. We will go one the way we always have, and hopefully, get better at it. No guarantees, no recipe for mixing all the things in our lives that we wish would just blend already. It is part of growing up, and there is always Room for that in all of our lives...

what is it about fall...

That makes us all weak in the knees? All we can think about is how many things we can make with pumpkins, with a few being edible?

It is all very magical, happens every year. We go into fall mode as if on auto pilot. No other season affects us this way. Most of us go kicking and screaming into winter and summer and those who get spring, live on the right side of their brains constantly and can't be added into the equation.

Fall reminds those of us who will be affected in a few months, that it is going to get down and dirty. The Powers That Be are predicting a big snow season for us. While I cringe on the outside, a part of me is saying, That is a long ways away. Liar.

I couldn't wait to wear a sweater yet have not put my shorts away. The hot cocoa, tea and spiced cider is now available in my kitchen and I have been dabbling, with my sweater on. We did get our annual trip to the pumpkin patch minus one. The times they are a changing and I must change too. Kids grow up and life id different. This will be our second Halloween when we split up the night. Hope to get my T or T photo before we scatter.

Yet I find myself daily playing, pin the pumpkin on Pinterest. Looking forward to a month of gratitude starting on Nov 1. I need to be reminded daily, of what I have and remember to be oh so thankful for every Moment. Anne Lamott's new book, Stitches, came in the mail today. She started this book the day after Sandy Hook. She weaves a picture of when our lives go bad, and they will, how we start by making a stitch, see if it holds and then make another. Joining piece after piece until a patch is made. We are never the same again, all that talk about closure is bull. We carry our grief forever, all held together by the patch, that gets us through another day. Thank you Fall, for the reminder that all we have is all we need. When more is asked for, more is given. All in good time, all in good time...

Little fish, Big Pond...

Most of our lives are lived as little fish in a Big Pond. There are natural periods of life where it is reversed. The last year of middle school you are a Big Fish in a little pond. You have worked your way up and get to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Yet, in just a few short months, you enter high school, and you are back to being a little fish in a Big Pond. The emotional toll is staggering. It is an, in your face, time of your life. You feel helpless and it takes some time to get your bearings back.

Later, you might find by the nature of your work, you are a Big Fish in a little pond, again. Yet when you get home every night, you are immediately thrown back into real Life which lets you know, in so certain terms, that your Big Life is now, not so big.

Most of us spend most of our days as little fish. Swimming in that big, huge pond, called everyday life. For the most part, we are happy with where we are. Sometimes, some of us get so addicted to the Big Fish life and will sell our souls to stay there. We see it everyday, people who give up everything just to keep their ponds small and manageable. They seem huge and overpowering and love it that way.

I think we were made to live in Big Ponds. I think we are better people when you can't see where the pond starts or stops. We have all tried, at one time or another, to make our ponds smaller, thinking this would be the life...Little fish, Big Pond. Where do we live?...

the light...

Nothing says light quite like fall. Whether we are seeking it out for warmth, or a photo opportunity, the light has the ability to take us out of whatever world our minds are wrapped around and into, its own. A drive around the lake, it just what I needed today. To remind me of who is in charge and that all comes from the One who made it, and me. No words are necessary, it is about accepting and understanding, the best we can. It is about us, it is about light and how it all fits together in the grand Plan. Praise God for the reminder, I am humbled by the Light...

hitting the reset button...

Resorting to connecting the dots this morning because it was a long night and he really needs to do something simple to get started again...StoryPeople.

The truth is we each are all on auto for a reset, every morning. We choose to continue or change every behavior, thought, and deed. Every morsel that goes into our mouths, and every envious or jealous bone we exercise. We may see our days as all strung together, not being able to distinguish one from another but that is not really the true picture. Change can happen but we have got to want it. More than we don't want it. Much More.

It make take many days of change. They say it takes 21 days to change a habit, they are lying. It is an every day battle. It always will be. Some days may be better and easier but it is always lurking in the Background. The minute you forget and think it is gone for good, is the beginning of your own downfall.

Connect the dots every day. If we can do that, whether we stumble or not, we are going to be better for it. I have already done my connecting and it wasn't easy or fun. Hard work, that is why we have to do it every day. Show up, suit up, and go into your day. It is yours for the asking...

remember...

From the moment we realize that we can keep and store memories, we start. There are many, many mini brain scrapbooks inside each of our heads. When we are young, there seem to be an infinite amount of hard drive space that we have only to remember to. As we get older, we find this to be a cruel untruth of life. Not everything gets saved.

Now with modern technology, every meal, ever monument, every moment can be recorded and shared. We have no issue asking a complete stranger to take a photo of us, to remember the occasion. It cements us to a time and date. Concrete proof of a moment of time, that we will never have again. There is a reason that most of think, if there was a fire at our home, most of us would grab the hard drives with all these Moments we have made. We really are a sappy people, and there is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all...

made with Love...

We all tell our Stories, everyday...

He held up a photo of his wife with a tray of cookies and proceeded to tell her Story. She bakes a cookie sheet full of cookies every day, since her first child was born. Her husband tried to talk to her. It was too expensive and they would all gain weight but she said the cost was minimal, she made the cookies from scratch and no one was over weight. More importantly, she kept baking cookies. One day she shared her Story with him.

Her father made her childhood, less than bearable. She would wait for her two siblings and they would walk home from school together, safety in numbers. One day, she went to the home of a friend and the mother greeted them with a tray of cookies. The home was warm and inviting, and smelled heavenly. She never forgot...

We each have a Story to tell and Sometimes, it is as easy as a tray of cookies. You don't have far to look to see what you do today, tells your Story. It may be as visible as this Story or it maybe, that you will see Something for the first time. Stories were went to be told and shared. This is how we learn and grow. The very next morning, I served a tray of cookies to my family. What a Story, what a life...

You are my Wild...

I am your grandparent, you are my grandchild
I am your quiet place, you are my wild
I am your calm face, you are my giggle
I am your wait, you are my wiggle
I am your audience, you are my clown
I am your London bridge, you are my falling down
I am your carrot sticks, you are my licorice
I am your dandelion, you are my first wish
I am your water winds, you are my deep
I am your open arms, you are my running leap
I am your way home, you are my new path
I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath
I am your dinner, you are my chocolate cake
I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake
I am your finish line, you are my race
I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace
I am your favorite book, you are my new lines
I am your nightlight and you are my sunshine
I am your lullaby, you are my peek a boo
I am your your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you.
from MaryAnn K Cusimano... Revised.