ponder...

While the Christmas madness has started, the craziness of Thanksgiving weekend has passed and the feeling of chaotic frenzy has not arrived. Cyber Monday apparently was a big success - sales up 20% over last year by 1PM, how do they know that already?

We spent Thanksgiving Day at Grandma Sue's like we always do and just before dinner, there seems to be a little lag time. Time to ponder and consider what the day will bring. You just grab a seat wherever you can and wait for someone to say, Dinner's Ready!

This year, Keaton said the prayer before dinner. It was a wonderful, intense prayer. There is a varied mix of beliefs in our gathering but if you walked away not understanding what the young man was trying to say, you weren't trying - not one little bit.

We went on to dinner, games, movie and bed for our 330AM wake up call but his prayer has echoed in my ear for the last few days. He understands that to praise God from whom all blessing flow. He gets is on a different level than his brother who is into his Jesus Kit. Make no mistake, by choice - God is a big part of their lives. They talk about him all the time and in ways, I would never dream of. I pay attention, I learn alot.

Starting tomorrow, there are 25 days of Everything Festive. We are bombarded by the visual, print, USPS and everywhere we go. Every time we leave the house for the next 25 days, there is a good chance it will be Christmas-related. Because of that, we need to take a few Moments more than every now and then to refocus. Maybe ever say a little prayer or a big one. Mix the holiday with the Essential and see if it doesn't make a difference in my life. That is my journey this year and I think it is going to be fantastic...

Redbox...

Rent Date: 11/25/2009 1:44:18 PM
Return Date: 11/26/2009 3:19:08 PM
Total Nights: 1
Return Location: McDonalds 4412 Garrity Blvd Nampa, ID 83687-3142

It was last Wednesday afternoon and since I didn't have a houseful of people coming for Thanksgiving and it was my birthday, I headed down to Albertson where my Redbox is located, to pick up 2 movies I had reserved. Albertson's is the Redbox hot spot Three in a row, Machines A B and C, Usually, no line or much waiting. I had mine reserved at Machine A and lucky for me, that was the only one without a long line. I hit the button to bring up my account and because of some unknown glitch, I had three movies. 2 were the same movie and while I could have canceled the order and maybe got them again, I didn't. The police officer next to me was trying to get the saem two movies I was.

I told him, Here take this extra one, I know where to find you if you don't bring it back. His wife had sent him down with one of those free codes but it wasn't working. He asked me if I was sure and thanked me profusely.

I didn't turn my computer on until Saturday - hadn't been home in a couple of days from all the heavy hitter weekend warrior stuff and there it was in my email. $ Christmas was returned at MacDonalds on Garrity Blvd. I knew it would fine and if it wasn't, Redbox only goes to $25 and then you own it, whether you want to or not.

Would I have given the movie to anyone who had been standing next to me in line on that day before Thanksgiving? I would love to say yes but the truth is, the uniform and radio made me feel pretty safe. Later as I have come to think more about it, I need to take that $25 dollar chance on someone not in uniform. I need to take a risk or chance on someone else. Someone who comes with no built in guarantee perceived guarantee. Looks like 2010 might be an new year with new things to try. Looking forward to it...

quite the weekend...

and technically, it isn't over just yet. There is still today and tomorrow is Cyber Monday, the biggest Internet shopping day of the year.

While visions of sugarplums dance in our heads for the next 27 days or so, my thoughts have ran far ahead to January 2010. Can't say there is any special reason for it but I sure feel the pull that direction. After this weekend, maybe it simply has to do with a bit of rest.

With a birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving and Black Friday - it is enough to put anyone over the edge. After a wonderful anniversary dinner of well, Thanksgiving, a pack of us headed to the movies to see Old Dogs. Then home for a few hours of sleep and out at 4AM to trip the light fantastic. 12 hours later, we were done. The BSU football game started at 8PM and after a quick nap - I powered up and stayed with them until the very end, around 1230 AM. Heard that Keaton hit his bed about 600PM that night and didn't get up until after 9AM the next morning. WOW.

DH and I spent yesterday together because when you spend your anniversary with about 20 people, you need to make it up somewhere. Had a great day yesterday and saw The Blindside. Great movie and you don't have to love football to love this movie. Yes, indeed - I might just have found me a new hero.

I woke up this morning and thanked God for this weekend. A long time friend of mine lost her short, intense battle with cancer last Sunday. Her birthday was on Thanksgiving. How hard it must have been for them with just losing their daughter/sister a few months ago. At her daughter's funeral, she told me she wasn't going to seek any treatment. She wanted to go be with her daughter who had suffered with cancer for a long, long time. Imagine that.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions too. So many Birthday wishes and gestures of love, almost too much. Three little people, balloons, cupcakes from ColdStone creamery showed up at my front door on Wednesday. They also brought a lot of Love with them. Quite a weekend? Yes indeed. Never do I forget, I am a lucky girl...

peace...

If you haven't experienced PS22, here is your chance. Don't know who their chorus teacher is but he needs to teach a class or two.

Journey, Queen, Tori Amos - these kids are being exposed to the elements through music and there is no better way. I found Jesus through music, I know of what I speak but before I found Jesus, I found a lot of other things.

Having gone to seances with my stepmother and experiencing a few non christian churches, it was more about curiosity than anything else. One church we went to in downtown Boise, can't even remember the denomination's name but it looked normal from the outside and even the inside but when the woman pastor started to preach, it felt all wrong to me. The only reason I kept going back was that they ended each service with this song, Let There Be Peace On Earth.

I don't believe in peace on earth. After reading the bible, it pretty much paints a picture that peace is not going to happen here, not in this life time but the song still brings back memories and tears. I have often said, I never felt the tug of God but after today, I may have to change my position. While still not recognizing who He was, I think there was a tug in my heart that was buried deep and unknown to me, to be used at a later date.

I do however believe in personal peace. A peace that defies logic or understanding so this song makes sense to me on that level. No matter was is going on around me, I am sure there is a place of peace that is available to each of us, for the taking.

With that. I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Whatever you do, wherever you go, give thanks for all you have. Taking some time off and I will see you Sunday...xo me.

faith...

Faith is, in the same moment, both a belief and the response to that belief. Tony York.

Over this last few weeks and for a long time before that, I wonder. When push comes to shove, will I hold up. Will my faith crumble under the weight of disappointment or grief, or will I hold it up high and continue, one step in front of the other.

I think about it alot. Can one really practice faith everyday? Can you stockpile faith? If you build your faith on a pile of solid concrete, are you assured a good outcome? When I am surrounded by darkness and perceive there is Nowhere to go, do I lose everything I think is faith?

I won't the answer to these questions until the hard times come. God doesn't give us what we need until we need it. Maybe that is my answer, don't worry - when you need it, it will be given. At that point, it is up to you whether to accept and that is where the faith of your heart will decide which path to take. Realizing that life is mostly two steps forward and one back - less than perfect faith is ok too.

When I go to bed tonight, I will imagine the same scenario that I imagine a couple times a week. Having always had a fear of being homeless and watching my father like it, I imagine it is nighttime at a shelter. Imaging the noises, kids crying, snoring and coughing - I look over my choices of how I got here and if there is a way out. I feel the cold as it sweeps under my bed and the fear of the unknown person sleeping next to me... and I pray like I have never prayed before. I remember the home of my youth and the warm quilt that covered my bed. I remember my belly being full and my socks having to holes for my toes to sneak out of. The remembrances go on as I drift to sleep. I don't know what all this means but I keep doing it.

I don't want to build a moat around my faith. Nothing to protect it from the elements. I want it to stand on its own. Wind, fire, give me everything you've got. That is what I say now, let's see what happens when Real Life kicks in. Let's just wait and see...

nesting...

It is snowing outside, and I am inside - warm and cozy. Frank is still singing and I am still listening.

My favorite week starts tomorrow and it is a short one. Three more days to steep in the thankfulness that surrounds me. It has been a good month but as all good things go, it is time to move on. It is time to live some of all the thoughts that have been running through my head the last few weeks.

The craziness of Christmas has already begun,. Maybe even earlier this year, there are fewer dollars and retailers are ruthless. the commercials are what is getting to me right now. Beautiful wrapped gifts, puppies with red ribbons tied around their necks and the food. Visions of peppermint bark are dancing in my head. Did I mention the snow?

But before we all race ahead into the 25 days of Christmas, I am going to enjoy these last few unhurried days. I am going to keep my eyes, ears and especially my heart open and take it all in. Everything I can get my hands on, hold on to it and pull it out in the next month when I need it... and make no mistake, I will need it.

I will forget about these nesting times and be in a sea of wrapping paper and wonder how it will all ever get done? Miss M asked me if I was going to come to her Christmas Preschool concert? I assured her, nothing could keep me away. The church no longer has a child's Christmas program - no one want to head it up. Quite sad, not sure I want to be affiliated with any church that doesn't have a kids Christmas program. I think they are missing the Big Picture.

I will make nesting time in the next month because just like Miss M's program, nothing could be more essential. The older I get, the more I see that essential is more than important. At the end of the day, what could I not live without? What will have to go by the wayside?

The snow has stopped for now. It is suppose to come back and I will be waiting. Nowhere to go or anything important to do but if something essential comes my way, I will be all over it...

lovin spoonful...

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Maria Shriver
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

I have had a envious relationship with the Kennedys forever, I have wanted to be one. Not for their money or influence but for their family life and deep-rooted philosophy of community. Special Olympics would not be the force that they are today if not for Eunice Kennedy and now, Maria Shriver.

Choosing to care about your fellow man, outside your bio gene pool doesn't come naturally. It must first be instilled and then encouraged. Like most things in life, we have to keep bringing things to the head of the line because basically, we are shallow and have a short attention span. The sooner you accept this about yourself and the rest of the human race, the sooner you can make some changes.

Ice cream for Special Olympics is a fabulous idea. Ice cream for anything, I'm in. Maria has had a tough year. California has to be weighing heavy on her mind as she is Arnold's sounding board and despite those wonderful commercials, we all know the score there and it ain't pretty. With the loss of her mom and uncle in a short time this year and raising 4 children, she is a great example of what we can do if it is important to us.

Found a web site today, http://boomboomcards.com/store. Revolutionary acts for everyday life - an uprising of gorilla goodness.

Become a cards carrying member of the Boom Boom Revolution! Do these 26 acts of guerilla goodness and change the world. Each time you complete a card, give it away to someone else so the revolution doesn't end.

The website allows you to follow your Boom Boom Card as it travels around the world. You never know where your one act of kindness will end up!

There is a Big People and a teen version - pretty cool. may not work for everyone but could be something fun for a family to do together. We don't all have the means to make ice cream but we all have the ability to care, What does that look like for me? for you?...

unfriend...

The technique is "unfriending", which was the New Oxford American Dictionary's Word of the Year for 2009 (actually it was "unfriend").

A year ago, this wasn't even word to us, now it is Something we are scared to do and mad when it is done to us.

I will admit, I have unfriended people on Facebook and Twitter. For many different reasons and it has been good thing. We can only take in some much information. There is no extra 40GB SDHC memory chip that we can pop in our brains to add more room. Our new social networking site have forced us to make choices because our brains are on overload. I still have two requests from those wanted to befriend me on Facebook that I am not going to friend in. I have no idea who they are, that one seems to be a no-brainer. When I stop following someone on Twitter, not sure they care like those you unfriend on Facebook. The Facebook people seem to get mighty angry when you choice to drop them.

We have been unfriending for years but it has been in person and much tougher. We have also, all been on the other end of being defriended. It is all a part of life. Sometimes we are banished for good, sometimes we are just moved to a lesser role, like one of an acquaintance. Either way, it happens and we deal with it. when you think about it being unfriended may be easier to deal with. then you have the being added as a friend which comes with its own baggage.

Of all the words that made the rounds in 2009, unfriend was the best/most used/popular. Really?. That should tell you Something about where we have been and more importantly, where we are headed.

What I do know is that we are a limited people with limited skills, brain power and motivation. The older one gets, the more you understand that life is precious and you have to put your time in the Cherish bucket. No room for all the drama that is brought on by ourselves or others. Time to move on, life is too short. A little bit of everything won't hurt you but when you reach an oversaturation point in your life and you are aware of it, time to do Something about it. I would have voted for oversaturation, whether it was a new word or not. Seems that unfriending and oversaturationg might have quite a bit in common and it may not be such a bad thing to be unfriended. You might have a whole bunch of time to do something you love with all your newfound time. In fact, go ahead and unfriend me, I won't mind a bit...

giving...

Fall is quickly turning into winter and Something about that and all the holiday abundance, we human turn into giving machines. As soon as the red kettles come out, we are ready to grab our wallets and let the giving begin.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that we become aware of our fellow man and the need to make sure that everyone can have a retail-inspired Christmas. There is nothing quite like the generosity that we display between the middle of November and about December 23. Last weekend, the Boy Scouts kicked off their holiday food drive at Walmart and there was no storage of volunteers. It was strange to see so many people with no Two for One sales going on.

I really don't think we give out of guilt - we give because it is a magical time of year. We are feeling festive and the wrongs done by our fellow man, seems to have faded away. We take on the official motto of a Barbie and GI Joe under every tree. I know because I have already gone down that road.

We have a family in our neighborhood who have had as many yard sales as weeks they have lived on my street. She saw me outside on day and asked what day the trash was picked up. Not particular friendly, they keep to themselves and are quite busy with those yard sales. Last weekend, it was freezing and they had the same stuff out as the weekend before. DD and I have done the secret santa thing and it dawned on me, this family should be ours this year and it looks like a go. But not for Christmas coming on, it wouldn't have dawned on me to give, to help out. We have lots of downtime issues ourselves and unemployment doesn't go that far - my natural inclination would be self preservation but since we are in the magically time zone, my mind is racing trying to figure out what secret santa will do.

By the time December 26 comes around, we are all given out. The kettles are gone and so are our thoughts of helping out for another 11 months. Too bad, we don't see the Bigger Picture. Myabe this year, we should ask Santa for a big dose of seeing the Bigger Picture and making our own magic in the next 10 months...

hip hop violin...

Mr Demi Moore (Ashton Kutcher) pointed the way to Ms Lindsey on Twitter today. That lead me on a larger search of the idea of a hip hop violinist and that led me to Miri Ben-Ari and Paul Dateh.

Admittedly, I love hip hop. The sounds, not usually the words and when you add the violin which could not be more opposite than hip hop, you have Something that can really make you swoon.

You know what they say about opposites, they attract. Look at couples that have absolutely nothing in common, maybe it is because they share a side that their spouse never considered. Maybe the attraction is the new worlds that couples drag each other into. Same with food. Foods that you would never consider merging, become a whole new delight when combined.

DD and I have had a running dialog this weekend about raising children and we wildly differ. My idea is to let the kids know the consequences up front and then let them decide if the punishment is worth the crime. In her Love and Logic class they teach, never let the kids know the consequences ahead of time. Two opposing ideas and I think the answer is somewhere in between but she will have to choose for her children which is best. There has been great conversation and I have loved every minute of it.

I am thankful this weekend that I have people in my life that are yin to my yang and we still love each other completely. The best kind of friend you can have is one that doesn't agree with you but could not love you more. It is a total delight - like the hip hop violinist. Imagine that!

gratitude...

I am going through a Frank Sinatra phase. I'm talking serious. A $9/20 songs commitment. I have a few Old Blue Eyes crooners on my Pod but this is full out, dressed - I am heading back to the fifties.

There was no Frank played at home. We were a Louie Prima and Jerry Lee Lewis kinda of house. Nancy Wilson was there a bit and lots of blues were all well stock in our musical pantry. AFter my parents split for good, my uncle moved in and brought his crazy with him and we added Wilson Pickett, The Isley Brothers and Johnny Mathis to the mix.

DH and I went out to dinner the other night at a resturant that did not ask, would you like fries with that? He needed a big steak and I needed to hear Frank Sinatra playing in the background. At once, I decided I needed a new phase and I am now well on my way.

Editing photos to Frank is so delicious. I LOVE photo editing and when the music is right, wow. When you have pictures like this to edit and the person LOVES them - that is even more fun. Quite a night at my house.

In the midst of all this fun and frolic, there is always the flip side. The side of Real Life that you don't want to hear. The return diagnosis of cancer, or another job or house loss and at this time of the year, another empty place at the table but they too are a part of all of life, and they too, have to be given their due.

Starting this week with a renewed mind set and keeping Frank close by. The fifties were a gentler time. The world outside my home was a safer place to be than inside my home but now, it is different and I have the both of best worlds and I never, ever forget it...

show and tell...

N is for nana.

I was Show and Tell today.
not at Show and Tell but it. I was it.

When Miss M found out the letter N was the share letter, she picked me. Wow, she picked me.

Never a question or other candidate. N is for nana.

So I showed up at preschool and during Share Time was introduced to the class. We talked a bit about nanas and grandma and their roles in our lives. I explained that nana's usually had stuff in their pockets and pulled out some yummy pink lipgloss for my favorite preschooler. There was some talk about passing me around but we decided on high fives instead.

You haven't lived until you have been chosen as the S&T. You have got a lot of Love going on to be chosen. There are so many other ways she could have gone. Nose, nails, the number nine or nests. So many to pick from and she chose me. I am flying a little high, in case you can't tell.

Afterwards, she went off to a playdate and I went to Cabela's to do my Gage Christmas shopping. Pick her up a few hours later and together we went to pick her brothers up from school. A great day.

Gratitude doesn't begin to explain how I feel. I know how lucky I am and I am going to embrace every Moment of it. No time to be timid or humble. Nothing but love. In teh words of Sally Field's, They love, they really love me...

home...

Never did we expect to pay such a high price at home." -Lt. Gen. Cone at Fort Hood memorial

Home is suppose to be a safe haven. It is where we run to at the end of each and every day. Home lets us stop and get a bit of perspective before going out in the cold, cruel world...but when home turns on us, where do we go.

Coming from a place where home was anything but safe, I can tell you that you can, with a lot of work, make home safe again. The way I feel about home now is now, a good one. It is all the things a home should be and more. A place to talk, cry, confess and just be. A place for the tears to come and be healed. A place that in the Moment is one that I know the way to. It is also the Place that I understand the bigger meaning of Home.

The Home we will go to Someday. The home where there will never be a balancing act between good and bad. A place that will always be safe, always be exactly what we have imagined. Short of being in our real Home, the ones we have here, will do just fine.

I am not talking about furniture, or carpet or art. I am talking about those that make it a home. Where someone has taken it to heart, what a home should be.

There are 13 families today who never imagined that their loved one's would die in this manner. They were there to protect each and every one of us. Sometime home is not safe. Sometimes, home is cruel and is filled with unusual punishment.

Just a reminder that from Moment to Moment, we jsut don't know. When you get home tonight, look around and give yours a hug. A big hug...

blur...

Blessed are those who on a regular basis have a dark day in which despair seems to be a step behind them wherever they go.Rob Bell

I have learned to accept the fact that some of my photos are going to be blurry. I have also learned it is not all my fault. When you shoot moving children, that is just a fact. That is the way it is and the sooner you understand that, the sooner life gets better. You go through each batch, throw away the ones you can't fix in Lightroom and move on. It use to be like pulling teeth to throw these photos away. The What If scenario would play for days in my head. No more. I get it now. One less thing on the old hard drive.

The same goes for Real Life. In Real Life, the blurs are called expectations. Take people for example. We expect alot from people. People we know, people we love, people we admire and people, we don't even know. If you think about it, we really have no reason why we should. The first chapter of Genesis starts out nice enough but it goes awry in short order and goes down hill from there. The people that God chooses for what very well be the most important event of their lives, well, seem to screw it up more often than not. The blur has been there from the start but somehow, we choose to ignore it. It's not in every frame but you could play a pretty good game of Whack A Mole as it pops open pretty regularly.

I took several pictures of Gage and Keaton and Gage is blurry in every one. He was too busy checking out everything to have hsi picture taken but when he showed some interest in Slim Whitman, I had to pull out my camera. Gage thought Slim looked interesting but quickly lost interest in my explanation and had to move on.



That's ok with me.
I understand Gage
and blur...love them both.

Slim Whitman, not so much...

hope, Part 2

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

This is what hope looks like. If you know Stellan's Story, check out MckMama's blog. Depair to Hope in one day. Never give up...

hope...

There is a strip mall church right by DD's house and right next to Sonic. Needless to say, I pass by there often. They do the cutesty sign thing that irritates me so but last week, I just couldn't shake it.

Jesus - an alternative to despair... Really, so let me get this straight. No Jesus, Despair everywhere and with Jesus, no despair. Doesn't sound right to me. There were daily Sonic runs last week and there would be that sign. We are a hit and run culture. Stop light attention spans, you have about 5 seconds to get our attention and then we are off to the next thing.

I got home and after being mad that this sign was ruining the whole human race, one sign reader at a time, I went over to Wikionary to see the proper meaning of the word despair even though I already knew what it was and it said,

despair To be hopeless; to have no hope

I stopped in my tracks. My definition of despair was a bit different. The sign was right, I still didn't like the working but it was right. When you choose to accept that Jesus is who He says he is, life doesn't automatically get better, in fact, it can and often does - get worse but the one thing that does come with Him is hope. Part of what He offers is hope. Not that everything well now be hunky dory (did I really just type that?) Everyone will be and stay healthy, bills will all be paid and husbands will remember anniversary's complete with flowers and a cellist.

The part that we need to take ownership of is to accept that we are no longer hopeless. That there is hope that Someday, it will all make sense. In that hope, our part is not only to accept it but live it. The understanding of hope is what made me do a 360 turnabout in capital punishment. It was a long process but I finally decided that because of the hope I had come to believe it, I could defer my revenge. That is how I feel now, I hope I always will.

Speaking of hope, Stellan is back in the hospital and surgery is going to happen soon. It is less than ideal and more than very scary. Stellan Story is one of hope that I have been able to sharing and learn about hope in the midst of what I thought was despair but isn't. As long as there is hope, despair can't be. It is one or another, no matter how the Story goes or ends - we get to pick which one we will live...

Shelbie Lynn...

It was over 15 years ago that Shelbie and her mom came to live in our home and hearts. We had no idea how much she would come to mean to us and because of a series of more events, she was destined to be with us for a short time.

As you can see, she stole our hearts. We were smitten. After staying with us, we would still see her when she and her mommy would move in with our DD. It was a wonderful time and I remember tell God, if I never got my own grandchild, having Shelbie in my life was enough...and I really meant it.

She was the delight of our lives and we couldn't wait for the next time we would see her. It was more of those wonderful Surprises that you don't see coming and are living before you realize it. By then, you are totally sucked in and loving it.

The last time I saw Shelbie's mommy was quickly in passing at the Extreme Makeover thing with Ty in Middleton a few years ago. So I knew which town she had moved too but we didn't get to exchange any more information. I had brief thought about wandering the streets of Middleton in hopes of running into them. With little information to go on, my idea quickly faded.

Friday's mail brought a card with the familiar handwriting that I instantly recognized. Remember the old days before email? You knew who your mail was from because of the handwriting, didn't even have to look at the return address, you knew. Inside was a wonderful card and pictures of Shelbie and her sisters. She is driving now, hard to believe and a soccer star. I sent off a card and pictures of Keaton, Gage and Morgan and hope that we will do a coffee run sometime and catch up. I would love that.

There is always someone to Love in this life. You never know who is going to come your way. The only thing you can do is be ready. Open your heart, take it all in and be ready for anything. Nothing last forever but Love...

Once in a Lifetime...

Imagine never having to imagine.

Wedding package for 50 guests.
Once-in-a- lifetime wedding ceremony inside the Magic Kingdom Park with Cinderella Castle as your backdrop
Private planning session with celebrity weddingplanner David Tutera
Custom-designed dinner reception, surrounded by Disney magic.
"Kiss Good Night" dessert party with decadent sweets and a spectacular custom- designed wedding cake
Magic Kingdom Portrait session, plus photographer and videographer for the wedding day.
Bridal couple enjoy four nights deluxe accommodations at Disney's Grand Floridian Resort & Spa.

All for only $198,000... oh, and you have to be a member of Sam's Club. Sounds like a deal to me - where do I sign up?????

observe...

As I watch all family struggle with sickness, I do it not only with a heavy heart but from a state of wellness. My crazy uncle use to say, You can't learn when you are talking - all you can say is what you know. He was correct. More to the point, we need to learn more and worry about what we can teach someone, less.

With that, shouldn't we observe at least as much as we talk? Shouldn't we learn at least as much as we try to instruct? Do you know it all or is there Something we can learn everyday?

We are still in the middle of much physical sickness. There is more time to observe and I am taking advantage of every moment. Whether waiting for a long time at the doctor's office while denying that one is sick, it was pretty easy to see that all was not well. You can learn a lot by just paying attention. You don't have to say a word or have one said to you. Actions speak louder than words. Instead of asking if anyone feels better, I am just going to watch them and find out for myself...

bits and pieces

Finally, the main reason I haven't been focusing on my blog is that I have been sweetly blessed and am so excited to tell you that I am, well....Angie Smith( Audrey Caroline's mommy)


It's interesting to see that people are much better at putting up with things that happen to them than they are at living with the consequences of a bad choice. Seth Godin

In a conference this morning, Dr. B and Dr. A in Boston (by phone, of course) told me and my husband that they both agreed that Stellan needs to go to Boston this week. We all agreed it was in Stellan's best interest, since he is stable, for him to get out of the hospital for a few days. He and I will leave via normal commercial flight on Thursday. Through that coming weekend, lots of things will be looked at and adjusted. It would be great to avoid an ablation, and if we can , we still will. But no one is entirely hopeful. If all goes in the direction everyone thinks it is going to go, then Stellan will have a cardiac ablation (again) on Tuesday morning, the 10th of November, by Dr. A and some of his electrophysiology colleagues. My husband will join us in Boston the Monday before the surgery. (Stellan and his mommy left the hospital today for a few days respite before leaving for Boston)

Seriously, has anyone seen my motivation? I've put up posters around the neighborhood offering a reward Facebook post from Ms Klein. I feel her pain.

From Twitter and Ali Edwards - One of Simon's spelling words this week: dude.

This year marked a milestone—not necessarily a good or bad one—wherein one of my children decided to hit the Halloween party circuit rather than stay-at-home, carve pumpkins and trick-or-treat with her ever-loving family,Cathy Zielske Inevitable change

Last but not least, Danielle - "Someone needs to tell her today," the social worker said, as I gathered my things up off the desk.

"I'm late for clinic," I replied, "and besides, this really isn't even my patient."

But the social worker was as persistent as he was right, and so, running forty minutes behind, I dropped my papers back onto the desk and went out into the hallway as the harbinger to the end of her world.

I took short, staccato steps to the room, and drug her out to the end of the hallway. Away from her husband, but by the window, and a chair. She sat, and I stood, knowing full-well that this was the worst way to do it, but not being able to help myself.

I started saying all the things I was supposed to say--all the truth we'd been holding up inside of us for weeks. The words charged out, tumbling across my lips, spilling down onto the floor, splashing around her feet and filling up the space in between us. I kept talking and didn't even take a breath. I knew, when I saw her eyes, that I had said enough, but I could not turn off the words. They just kept coming. As the tears spilled down her cheeks, the words streamed forth, creeping up to our chests, threatening to drown us.

When I was finished, she was speechless and the letters began floating dead around us, she hung her head. Shame squeaked underneath my wet shoes as I turned and walked away.

Life is made up of bits and pieces. Everyday we take in so much information. The hard part is trying to figure out what to throw away and what to keep. It will be a lifelong challenge and joy that will have to be lived in unison...

my favorite month...

It is my favorite month. It is not a calendar month, per se. It starts about 11PM Halloween and ends promptly at midnite Thanksgiving Day, whatever the date.

The reason? It is a whole month where gratitude is the main focus. For me, it is a precious time not only to look and be thankful for what and who are in my life but to add to what I already know about gratitude. It is a time to breathe. A time to reflect. A time to make nice.

Because of its place in the calendar year, we know that the Biggestness of the Year is right around the corner but for these heavenly 25+ days, we have little to concentrate on by each other. Nothing to plan, to shop for, to bake or decorate for. The weather still has some great days that I am certain, it saves just for this time. It make everyone like the color orange, even if just for a while. It is a time to let go and imagine what could be if we had a bunch of blank spaces in our lives. It is a month of sweaters, blankets, books and hot chocolate. It is also a time to take as much time as you need to get your head on straight. To figure out, yet again, what we really need, what is necessary - to separate the important from the essential.

Despite the sickness that we are now experiencing, I am so grateful that I can hold a sick baby for as long as need be. Nowhere to be, the only thing that really needs to be shopped for is food and gasoline, unlike last week when we spent over 4 hours in a ToysRUs store, holding on to our loot - waiting for a sale. In our defense, we did save over $100 and right now, none of us ever want to step foot in that store again.

My first day was the perfect start to my month. Quiet, picked up a few groceries and hit Sonic at Happy Hour. Worked on a few halloween pictures and swirled more than a few thoughts thru my mind. Food for thought, just the way this month should be...

H1N1...

has reared its ugly head in my family. Miss M has had it since Wednesday - no trick or treat and by last night, she wasn't showing signs of missing it. Earlier in the day, she had ralied but there would be no more bee costume for halloween 2009 - it would be replaced by comfy clothes. Happy to get the few shots that we did.
This morning the official count is everyone in three families is down except for me, nana's papa and Keaton. Grandma Sue who had a preplanned trip to Virginia left yesterday and by this morning, had been to the hospital, diagnosed with H1N1 and was told to spend her vacation in bed. I can't imagine being that sick and so far away from home.

Our Halloween was a bit on the less than partyish side but we had decorations, good food a few in costumes and we were together. Looks like we will be spending a lot more time together this week. I may be a bit hit and miss here but Real Life must go on and the last one standing is the new Florence Nightingale.

I guess my thoughts are we all need to step back everyone in a while and dive in. Making those who need too, take medicine and drink, drink, drink. This flu has frightened us all, especially since it seems to attack kids more than Big People. I have never had a flue shot and don't intend to. Despite my sometimes less than stellar care of this earthly body I have been given, it has supported me extremely well. It must be that 100% German in me that has a constant, "Bring It On!" unspoken policy that I am usually unaware of. It runs in the background and is always on, even when I am not.

I have spent a good amount of my time the last four days with Miss M on my lap. WE have watched lots of Calliou, World's Funniest Video and whatever else was on. Wrapped up in Grandma Dille's old quilt, we make the rounds. Drink, potty, paper towels for sneezes ( tissues will not hold what we are catching), taking temps and lots and lots of TLC. Wouldn't have it any other way, I was meant to play Florence Nightingale - it is my destiny...