Faith is, in the same moment, both a belief and the response to that belief. Tony York.
Over this last few weeks and for a long time before that, I wonder. When push comes to shove, will I hold up. Will my faith crumble under the weight of disappointment or grief, or will I hold it up high and continue, one step in front of the other.
I think about it alot. Can one really practice faith everyday? Can you stockpile faith? If you build your faith on a pile of solid concrete, are you assured a good outcome? When I am surrounded by darkness and perceive there is Nowhere to go, do I lose everything I think is faith?
I won't the answer to these questions until the hard times come. God doesn't give us what we need until we need it. Maybe that is my answer, don't worry - when you need it, it will be given. At that point, it is up to you whether to accept and that is where the faith of your heart will decide which path to take. Realizing that life is mostly two steps forward and one back - less than perfect faith is ok too.
When I go to bed tonight, I will imagine the same scenario that I imagine a couple times a week. Having always had a fear of being homeless and watching my father like it, I imagine it is nighttime at a shelter. Imaging the noises, kids crying, snoring and coughing - I look over my choices of how I got here and if there is a way out. I feel the cold as it sweeps under my bed and the fear of the unknown person sleeping next to me... and I pray like I have never prayed before. I remember the home of my youth and the warm quilt that covered my bed. I remember my belly being full and my socks having to holes for my toes to sneak out of. The remembrances go on as I drift to sleep. I don't know what all this means but I keep doing it.
I don't want to build a moat around my faith. Nothing to protect it from the elements. I want it to stand on its own. Wind, fire, give me everything you've got. That is what I say now, let's see what happens when Real Life kicks in. Let's just wait and see...
