Waiting to hear about Brianna's bome marrow transplant on Thursday, we had no idea that after months of praying the healing of this precious one, in less than 24 hours there would be 20 children whose parents will be planning funerals, not Christmas shopping.

The weekend has been somewhat of a blur. With Keaton sick Thursday and Friday, Saturday there was a shopping trip with Gage and finished the night with our annual Christmas light tour. This morning, church via the internet, is playing in the background. Usually love listening to the sermon at midnight, my favorite time. It is dark, quiet and the words seem to stick with me, but that is another Story.

Sometime yesterday it occured to me that the same time those 20 babies entered heaven, so did the shooter. On Friday, I posted on FB, May God have mercy because mine is nowhere to be found. Later on in the weekend, I understood the kind of mercy I was talking about, it not mine to give. The weight is off my shoulders. Yet, the thought of them and him, in heaven together, seems so wrong, so unfair.

I knew a long time ago that I was going to dedicate our Christmas Light Tour to Brianna. I know there are lots of things going on in the hospital to cheer the kids up during the Christmas season, but to be outside, free to be. To got out for pizza and later, ice cream, is something she will not have this year. I prayed for her while we drove around. As the kids sang Christmas carols with the radio, I prayed for joy. Every bit of laughter, I wished a smile for her face. I also prayed for those just getting the news they already knew, and how this Christmas will mark their lives forever.

When, not if... it is the Story of all our lives. While it may look different, we each will have trials and the unthinkable happen to us and at Christmas, it feels gigantic. Too much, too much. It is Sunday and while Sunday holds no magic, it is a new day. A new day to pull up one's Big Girl panties and try again. We as a nation, will mourn but we will do it,

in our own way,
in our own time.
and then together, we will start to heal...