Early summer. I started having back pain. First a little, later a lot. It had radiated up and down and was at times, unbearable. After three months of pain, I finally broke down and went to the doctor.
I don't go to the doctor - haven't been in five years. Have been to the quick care twice for strep throat but in and out, just there for that prescription pad. This was different. This was pain I couldn't out run.
That is the relationship that physical pain and I have. I try to out run it until It finally gives up and goes away. May not be the most productive system but works for us. I had myself convinced, really convinced, that I was a goner. When I finally mustered up the guts to make the appointment, I had somewhat come to terms with what I had to face. Mind you, this was all self-diagnoised.
The nice doctor said - "You are spend too much time in your computer chair. Ice the area and take Advil - come back in a month if its isn't gone". See, even he was giving me some extra time to prepare for my clear end. The pain did not get better over the next 5 weeks and I was forced to go back. I came prepared, just give it to me straight, doc - I almost chickened out a few hours before I went to my appointment but went I did.
He poked around and was able to make me jump directly straight up. He thinks it is the same problem, just needs to be addressed more aggresively. I ask if he is pretty sure it was nothing else - he is pretty sure. " Take these pills for 7 days, you should have some relief after 3 or 4 days". A nice way of letting me down easy. That was 3 pills ago. Last night, I slept all night - the pain was almost gone, gone enough that the nightly ice pack was not to be.
As I woke up this morning, I realized that I had not made use of my 365 Do Not Fear's that are available to me. My prayers were honest and mainly about walking thru, being able to endure and thankful. I prayed for the pain but forgot about the fear. I operated on my faith of pain and allowed the fear to blind my way. Pain is a great motivator. We all have a different tolerance of pain and maybe fear too. On some kind of sliding scale, we are motivated by the One who yells the loudest.
It has been a experience that I will come to cherish.
I am not proud of how I acted or reacted.
I am not proud of what I forgot I already knew
I am not proud of wasting so much time.
And yet, I am so thankful for another lesson learned.
I am so thankful that I can pick myself up and keep walking
And I am especially thankful, for my God staying with me. What a lucky girl I truly am...
