men...

From everything I have read, those of us whose primary female caregivers were nuts, suffer in many ways rendering us a bit odd. Because of my situation, I turned to the males in my family for love and comfort and didn't see that their kind of crazy until it was too late. In those early years, the men were the lesser of two evils so I grew up with a distorted view of life and later, would need therapy for that.

That being said, I would find a man and marry him. In some ways, he was the opposite of every man I had known up. I didn't realize how crazy the men in my life were until I met DH. My point of reference had always been the men in my life. I like men - I distrusted women. Men good - women bad. That took ALOT more therapy to work thru but I am think I am thru the worst of it.

Don't worry - I am not after your men. One of the points of this is to say, if I ever find myself

a widow, there will be no more men for me. At this point in my life, I have a bittersweet relationship with the male species and I think it best to keep it that way. I can't tell you how difficult it was to see God portrayed as a spiritual father. I had a hard time swallowing that one. It has taken many years to seperate the two in my head. If God had been portrayed as a woman, we wouldn't be here right now. I could never have walked thru that door.

Funny how healing comes. The first half of my life was a horrific nightmare and the second half sent a great husband, a wonderful son-in-law and two of the finest grandsons ever. I have met some fine men along the way. I didn't know that not all men take a pair of underwear in a paper bag with them on a date in case they get lucky. My point of reference has shifted and God is working on me. It will take the rest of my life to process what I know and not until I see Jesus, will it be over.

In the meantime, I will continue and move on. There is nothing quite like hear a bunch of men laugh. It still just makes me smile and while I think sometimes I would be more comfortable at a Men's Retreat than a Ladies Retreat, I need to mingle with my own kind. Women - I understand them more now but that is a whole other post...

trash the dress...

A few weeks ago as I was blog surfing, I found this site on a photographers site - trash the dress.com. I had to check it out - and have not been able to get it out of my head every since.

There is a movement by brides to have a photo shoot after their wedding and trash their wedding dresses. Beautiful, ornate dresses wind up in dirt, sand and the very worse - water. There are so cool From Here To Eternity beach love scenes. I am fascinated by the whole theory.

What is more precious to a bride than her wedding dress? To have the Trash the dress philosophy is to be free. It is to be able to not only think outside the box but to delight in it. I hold on to so much - what else could I trash?

My wedding dress was bought by my stepmother a few years before I got married for her wedding. I was on a tight budget and a white dress, well, lets just say that ship had already sailed. This dress was fine - it was green and I could live with that. After the wedding, I put it in a plastic bag and there it stayed until a few days ago.

I was under no illusion that my child or anybody I knew would ever want to wear the dress yet I have carried it around for almost 36 years. After spending a few weeks reading TTD, I decided it was time for me to do the same. The only problem is, it didn't quite fit. I could get it on and it fit everywhere but it wouldn't zip up to the top. My shoulders have apparently kept growing. No beach love scenes for me, I would have to improvise. My DH took the picture for me and here we are. The dress is now ready for the trash and I have this beautiful icon to remind me.

I feel so free. It wasn't like the dress was taking up room in my closet. It is hard to describe but I feel like this is just the beginning of a process. I do not know where this is headed but I am going gladly. God willingly, there will be more TTD moments and I can't hardly wait...

surrounded...

On all four sides - no escape. Everywhere you turn, it is there...

Being surrounded is relative. If you are an escaped prisoner - not a good outcome for you. Maybe surrounded is not a good example. Trying to think if I feel that to be surrounded is a plus or minus. When I did this layout last night, it was the only word I considered. These kids are surrounded by love. We follow them around everytime they move. Their perception of us is one similiar to a fan club. They think we are there just for them. To play or hand out snacks - always on guard for any potential trouble or boo boo's.

That is exactly how I want them to feel. I want them to think because of the love that surrounds them, they are free. Free from worrying about if they are going to eat or have a bed to sleep in. Free to explore and see the world without fear. We can't protect them from everything but we sure can give them our best. For the best, we give them to Jesus.

We surround them with all we have but never shield them from Him. They are His - He has given them to us to love, teach and cherish. We love them in our way, He is His. Between the two of us, they can lose...

sometimes...

It is a quote from Ansel Adams...sometimes I get places just when God is ready to have someone click the shutter. These days, that really speaks to me. In the Bigger Picture, I am aware that it goes well beyond the click of a shutter.

A week doesn't go by that I don't wonder why I wasn't born 50 years earlier or later. I wonder why I wasn't born in Russia or France or China. A peasant woman of little means in a country I can't even pronounce or worker in fields surrounded by goats, pigs and sheep. Why for this time, am I here? Why me?

Whatever my lot in life has been and will continue to be, I would like to think that if the situation arises, I would always be available to trigger that shutter button. I can tell you from experience that has not always been the case. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes unintentional but there have been times that I just walked away. The thought is unconscious but it goes something like this - let someone do it.

I don't think God lets an opportunity go - He just lets the next person go for it. I need to be willing to set aside my own agenda so I can click that shutter and if I get to do that, the photo that I will walk away with, could change my life. I can shoot 50 pictures and walk away with only one or two but those are as gold. I am here and it is now and I don't want to miss a thing...

it takes 2...

When we are by ourselves, the conversation is one-sided and certainly biased unless there are mulitple personalities involved. We can justify anything and the talking back is held to a minimum. All opinions seem to make sense in this light and criticism abounds.

When you add another person to your own personal dynamic - everything changes. There is an outside force that may agree with you but be complete foreign. Sometimes you seem to be in sync with this foreign being and sometimes, there are clashes that make Fourth of July fireworks look like little sparklers.

Whether the relationship is romantic in nature or more of a parental-type of love, there is a give and take dimension that seperates us from the animals. Where friendship is the theme, sharing this life with care and concern is at the center of the relationship. There are times that the combination of two people is toxic. There is the opposite of Love At First Sight, more like Dislike At First Sight. Just as chemistry attracts people to each other, I think that same chemistry can repel two people for no apparent reason.

Snap judgements have proven me wrong about people and it has gone both ways. I remember thinking this one woman would be fABulous to know - I was wrong. It didn't take me very long to realize that we would never be friends. Interesting that some people look better from a distance that up close. I have had to eat crow a few times after meeting a person and realizing that I was completely wrong about them.

Whatever your experience with One-on-One is, it is the most fascinating relationship that we will ever experience. Whether staring into your baby's eyes for the first time or meeting someone at a party that in an instant feels like you have known forever, it is the everyday theme of our lives. I don't know who I will spend time with tomorrow but I know there will be a exchange with a another person. Whatever form it takes, I hope I walk away a better person for having had the experience. It really is the whole reason God put us here and I am anxious to

have another shot at it...

time out...

We can't always be good... That being said, we can choose how to get in trouble, sometimes. He knew that pushing his little sister down would definitely get him in trouble, if he got caught. He is a bright kid - did he think his daddy wasn't going to ask him if he did it? Did he think everyone would assume that Miss M started crying for no good reason?

There wasn't Time Out when my daughter was little. I am not sure but it reminds me of the days when kids at school would wear the dunce hat.

dunce cap. 1. a tall-cone shaped hat formerly worn by slow or lazy students as a punishment. Also called a fool's cap.

So I am guessing that Time Out is somewhat along those lines without the head decoration. I would imagine that purpose of today's version is punishment plus you get the opportunity to think about what you did and be justifiably, very, very sorry.

Every generation has to find it's way. I like it better than spanking and my gk's seem to come out of it fine. Will save therapy money for something else. Maybe we should try this for Big People and the plus side would be, Big People could put themselves in Time Out. When you feel yourself losing it, you go straight to the corner until the bad feeling pass and you can play nice again.

Sometimes, we choose to take the Road that is going to lead to trouble. We know it and we do it anyway. We have made the value judgement that it is worth whatever punishment is going to come our way. We are mentally prepared and ready to go. Next time I feel that feeling, I am going to try putting myself in Time Out. Full blown, I am going to stand in the corner, face the wall and stand there until I learn my lesson. Might even offer up a little prayer while I am there. How about a catch phrase? Time Out - not just for kids anymore...

baseball...

After a week like we have had, it was good to end it on a high note. We played the first ballgame of the season last night and my boy did pretty well. There is Something about watching these kids give it their all. Baseball is Real Life, at its finest.

It is one of their first tastes of competition. It is a time of learning that Sometimes you will be tagged at base and be out. Sometimes referees will make bad calls. Sometimes sliding into home with all your might - isn't enough. Sometimes you will know that feeling that comes from hitting it out of the park and you land on top of a mountain. You won't hit every ball pitched to you and Sometimes, you will strike out but it is the game that we continue to play... and love.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next while, we will be rooting our boy at every turn. There will be nights that the magic is just there and the nights that doing his best isn't good enough for him. He will learn endurance and teamwork. Each step will be a building block and disappointment is part of that process but just as we Big people experience the same, Jesus is there to catch us and help us when we fall - we will be there for Keaton with a Great Job, buddy.

Doesn't get more American than apple pie and baseball. With all that has gone on this week, what a great way to remember what a great country we live in and that there is always Someone there to cheer us on...no matter what.

freedom...

Freedom has many different faces. A picture of George W Bush at the VA hospital reminded me of my freedom yesterday. The flags of the different branches of service had the same effect. Freedom is Something that we Americans take very seriously. Whether you agree with our current war or not, I would dare say - we all support our troops. Those who put their lives on the line everyday so we can enjoy our freedom. Freedom is the backbone, it is the common denominator that holds us together. As we have all experienced this week, with that freedom - comes a heavy cost.

I walked back on the campus this morning to take more photos of the art exhibit. No one gave me a second look as I climbed the stairs with my backpack in hand. No one questioned what I was doing as I got my camera and snapped away. To have these kinds of freedom, there has to be a price, a big price to pay.

We put alot of time and effort into making sure our freedoms are not in jeopardy of being taking away or even lessened. The true lessons of this week is that true freedom doesn't come from more gun control or more laws. True freedom comes from within.

As my mind has been bombared with the news this week, I find myself waiting, for the other shoe to drop - for the next tragedy, and there will be one. The freedom I need to concentrate on, is in Jesus.

I need to look to Him.

I have to look to Him

There is no place else to look.

The Story of this week just gets more and more bizarre. At times it is more than one can comprehend and try to cope with. I feel my spirit unable to soar - unable to get off the ground. That comes from mistakeningly trying to draw on the freedom of my adopted home instead of my Real Home.

As this thought is going thru my head, I can almost begin to feel myself lift off the ground. In true Freedom, there is real pain and sorrow but it is not forever. It is not paralyzing nor is it fatal. I can not put my faith, I will not put my faith in Something that will not sustain. Whatever freedoms we have as a country, just can not compare to Freedom in Christ.

Whatever happens in war, whether on our land or lands far away, the freedom that will sustain us is one that is available to each of us. We have the freedom to choose. We live in this great country that has given us these freedoms and we need the Freedom that Christ gives to survive them...

art...

A friend of mine asked me to take pics last night of her son and his girlfriend's art exhibits. They will be graduating from college in a few weeks and this really is graduation for them.

His are filled with philosophy and spirtual concepts - hers, ran as fluid and had a floral quality without the flowers, I am not much of an art lover and most everything has to be explained to me but since I got to watch this boy grow up, it was a pleasure to see how he turned out. Hus head is screwed on straight and I think he is going to be just fine. Art is certainly his forte and Miss S can paint for me anytime.

Art is not only Something to hang on the wall. Art is the outpouring of who we are and what we believe. Most of us will never have a gallery showing. Carefully hung pieces of work, each with a little spotlight. No guest book to sign or an explanation of our work. Most of our art, people will have to see on the run. They will have to sniff the air as we go by, to catch our scent. Most of what we want to say will never get said. Alot of what we didn't mean to say is what they will walk away with and never forget.

Life is a gallery just not so controllable. It is messy and the lighting is usually pretty poor. The floor is littered with life debris and the door is more like a revolving door with muddy handprints

than a nice, heavy gallery door.

I am glad these kids got this opportunity before they get out there in the Real World. They will always have this show to look back on and bask in the Moment. Soon, it will be paying bills and figuring out what to do next. These galleries will be where some of their first grown up choices come from.

Best of luck, Z and S. Best Wishes on Real Life - can't wait to see your art in 10 years...

this day...

will mark another notch in our nation's violence history. Columbine, which changed our thinking of school violence forever will mark its 8th anniversary April 20. The first school shooting happened August 1966 where Charles Whitman killed 16 from a tower before police killed him. As I write this, 33 are reported dead including the gunman. The count is changing constantly. As I listened throughout the day, it started at one dead, jumped to 20 and has steadily risen as the day progressed.

While we are horrified at the details and want to know why, we may never know. This is the single largest event of gun violence in our country and I dare say, not the last. No matter what we learn in the days to come, it will never make sense. The news keeps talking about, let the healing process began. I don't believe that is possible this side of heaven.

As I watched today's events unfold, I was struck again with the notion of how to explain it in the light of what I believe. If someone as prepared as this shooter wants to massacre people, we can talk and debate all we want but we will never stop them. There is nothing we could have done faster or better - no way we could have prevented it. That leaves us with trying to figure out what we believe when it does happen. What is our faith telling us, where is our faith leading us and how is our faith going to carry us.

That all sounds very spiritual - if it isn't your child or spouse. I can not imagine the pain of those parents and families who lost a loved one at VA Tech today. They will have to live with this for the rest of their lives. Every anniversary - they now belong to a club they never wanted to join. For the rest of us, we can only hold them up in prayer. Our faith will carry them. Lately, I have been praying for my grandbabies grandbabies. For those I will never meet, those I will never lay eyes on. When these events happen, I use my faith in the same way. for people I will never meet, people I will never lay eyes on. I don't have too. God knows and I am not interested in spending time asking why. For me, that is a waste of time and energy. I will know why Someday - for today, I just need to lift those up and let go.

Everytime we have one of this days - a day that will mark another day that we will never forget. One that reminds us that life is not easy and that Mayberry is only a TV show. One that builds the case that we are living in a dangerous world. One we can explain or stop. The only thing we have control over is our faith which will lead us Home...

7 days to a better me...

Princess duty is over but the lessons continue. Our week was FABulous. I gave up everything I thought I knew about life and decided to let Miss M show me the Way. So much of what a 2 year old thinks is important, we all have forgotten long ago. To get back to that place takes effort and patience.

Her words for the week, were many - her themes, few.

Show nana, show (sure nana, sure) in her best Southern accent would be used with much gusto when she wanted to do whatever it was and she wanted to do it REALLY BAD. Wanting it to seems like my idea and that she was just going along to make me happy, seemed the best option to her. She did want to do most everything by herself or at least try, then she would reluctantly let me help her. All week long, I couldn't help but see our relationship much the same as I see my relationship with God.

Because of DH's job schedule, it was basically the two of us for most of the week. It was my face she stroked as we sang Jesus Loves Me when she went to bed and my face that helped her greet the new day. We shared all our meals and had many, many talks throughout the day. The thing about 2 year olds is they know what is important in the moment. Everything else isn't even on the radar. Even reading, Dora and the Pig Pirates 20 times in a row had meaning although other than character building, I am not sure what. I have very few heroes but the mommy who can read a Story over and over and make it sound just as exciting as the first time is at the top of my list. Jobs, degrees and other accomplishments pale in comparsion. Anybody can do that but the art of being a parent - now that takes a real hero.

After 7 days of apprenticeship, I am back to everyday life. I take with me, lessons learned. I hope to be a better person. I think I understand my relationship with Christ a little better. I now know that when you sing Jesus Loves Me, when you get to the He is strong part, you sing it just a little louder...and you sing it over and over until you fall asleep. Not bad theology if you ask me...

no greater Love...

No matter what week it is - to see the Story of the Greatest Love that we will ever know is Something you can't forget. You can't run or hide - you have to make a choice. Either it is real to you or it isn't. Easter is something that we will all face - either now or later.

The camel seemed to enjoy his popularity during the show and the 2 lambs made their presence known as they walked the aisles. The kids did a FABulous job waving the palm leaves and the soldiers were ever on guard.

No way to walk away without questioning what you believe. Keaton had a few questions after and we talked a little bit about his concerns. He wondered how Jesus could get to heaven and get thru all the smoke when He rose. Good question - not sure I had an equally good answer. It will be interesting to see what he thinks as he processes. I don' t think I have heard the last of his questions.

My mind is full of the most improbable Story of a most probable God. Whatever happens on Sunday, my Easter was last night. There truly is no greater Love, no truer Story and most of all, no other God. I have lived without Him and I never want to live there again.

To see is to believe

To walk in grace is to believe

To love is to believe.

Happy Easter to you all. May you be filled with the Love that only He can give. May your peace be deep and your worries shallow....

PS. I am on princess duty next week as the DisneyWorld gang leave Easter morning so I will be back on April 16. Have a FABulous week...love zalaine.

the simple life...

Found myself with an interesting crowd last night. It was one of those ladies parties but instead of being at a home, it was at a local home decor store. Dirt cheap prices. This place is only open 1 day a week and I've been told, if you aren't there when they open at 10am, you are already too late. My SIL's boss was the hostess and she said she had invited about 40 people and I gonna guess those 40 brought 40 more. Best Ladies party I have ever been to - no games, ackward conversation with the person next to you and no shipping to pay.

It is interesting what people buy. I find my taste changing from antiques to more Pottery Barnish and this type of decor doesn't really fit me. Tall wooden candlesticks, the Pig Chef menu board and the different round balls made of natural fibers that set in bowls on your dining room table. My daughter cleaned up - not only did she find some great deals, she found her birthday gift from me. Her birthday is just 2 months away and I would much rather get her something she really likes so it was a win-win for us.

Alot of these women were working outside the home women - ah, I remember those days. Self medicating with shopping. Justifying purchases by whatever means. I remember them well. Did it all the time and they reminded me of how much I don't miss it. They mingled and shopped and shopped and mingled. We were one of the first ones to leave.

I got home with my little purchase and walked in so thankful that I don't have to get up in the morning and see these nice ladies again. Sharing last night with them was a great reminder of all things simple and I intend to keep them that way...

love at first sight...

My mind is filled with aperture and shutter speed. I haven't attempted to learn anything something since I brought my first computer home. There wasn't tech support in those days. Total trial and error with alot of silent and not so silent cursing. Being self-taught takes alot of time and energy. It takes patience and for me, going over and over the information until it becomes almost, second nature. I want this photography thing to flow within me. I want to not have to think about what setting I need to take a picture of a flower. I want to instinctively set the camera to take pictures of the kids in the pool and then directly to take a close up of the birthday cake.

I read on someone's blog about the photographer high. I have experienced it several times. The thing about digital is that you don't know until you get home and download your pictures, what you really have. You go thru 80 or so pictures and then you see it. It isn't the one you thought it would be. The one you thought would be a keeper was blurry but this one, this was worth it all. It will be the one you obsess over for the new few days, until the next one comes along. You will re-color it, crop it and throw everything you have at it...then you will pick one and it will be the one that will represent the entire body of work that you put into it.

Photography is not much different than spirituality to me. I want prayer to be second nature. I want to hide His words in my heart so they are ever present. A Jesus high is a beautiful thing and just like other highs, was never meant to be a constant. Allowing Him to take me places with no guarantees and every once in a while, getting to be privy to who He is. Whether by a person, or a view... the lyrics of a song or an unexpected encounter.

So today I learned the f/11 is the best setting for a portrait , that a white shower curtain makes a great backdrop when you are shooting a short depth of field and that to sharpen a people photo in Photoshop, using the Unsharp Mask setting- Amount 150%, Radiant 1 and Threshold 10. What I learned about God today is that He is always there, that love is more than a feeling and (thanks Ms. D) it may be Friday but Sunday is coming...

ms grumpy pants...

DH left for work a little after midnite and I climbed into the hard, smelly bed. I thought the bed smelled funny the first night but how could that be? The salesman remembered to tell me that the bed would be rock-hard for 60 days but forgot to tell me that the bed had an odor that would dissipate in 2 weeks. If you are thinking about a Temper-Pedic bed, remember this - no one would buy this bed if you had the odor/hard information upfront.

So I finally get up at 6am and try to get some housework done before DH comes home to sleep. I need to call the trash people because they left a recycling bin last week and I need more info. Admittedly, I am not into recycling. I saw Al Gore's, An Inconvenient Truth, and I get it but still wonder what one person can really do. The trash people tell me that while recycling is voluntary, paying for it is not. I will be charged- no way out. This puts me in a rather bad mood and I have to decide whether to go to a pre-planned morning visit with a few friends and grace them with my less than sparkling self.

I am still ranting and raving when I get there and put my humorous spin on it. We spend a few minutes doing girl talk but when I leave I am still steaming. On the way home, I pass a church and the reader board catches my eye, Too blessed to be stressed. Again, I get it but can't get my emotions to catch up to my brain.

After some lunch and a nap, I head for Sonic. Sonic always makes me feel better and it did for a while. I got home and realized I could continue to be mad or I could decide to stop. Then I realized, I could have stopped - hours ago but chose not too. Today was obviously a 2 steps back day.

There is a great lesson in there for me. I always have a choice. I can change my mind at any time and life isn't really that bad. I have no control over my utilitities, my bed will not stink in 2 weeks and in 2 months, I will be able to sleep like a baby. I truly am too blessed to be stressed and smart enough, to do something about it...

back to the future...

Spring break is but a memory and the Real World beckons me back. While the weather continues to make me happy - the everydayness of life reminds me - there is work to be done. This is the last week before the big Disney trip so all those loose ends need to be tied up. There is karate testing for both boys and an Easter egg hunt. The invitations for Morgan's birthday need to go out as her party is the day after everybody's gets back. Must breathe and take it one task at a time.

Spent a few hours yesterday watching Discovery Channel's, Planet Earth. There is nothing quite like getting out of your head, to clear your mind. Not usually one to watch the whale/elephant channel, I have been capivated by what I can barely comprehend. Technology is changing what is possible to capture on camera and even as I watched it, I was reminded of what is possible.

I couldn't help thinking about God and how He put this all together. Even in the animal world or especially, life is not fair . The one who runs the fastest, gets dinner instead of being dinner. All animal babies don't grow up and die old. Momma penguins will fight over an orphaned baby and kill it rather than let one of them keep it. Maybe there are more similarities between our worlds than what I thought.

The Dr Suess quote reminds me of why I am who I am. I don't know why I wasn't born in another country, in another time.

What I know is that I am here now.
My time is now.
This is where I was meant to be.

There is no one alive who is more me than me. I have everything I need to be me. If I need something, it will come. All I have to do is be. Today and me, what else does a girl need?

sleep well...

The alarm went off and I hopped out of bed and immediately the back of my legs were wet. I reached down and the dust ruffle was wet. That meant...the waterbed was leaking!!!

I jumped up and screamed at DH and we hit the ground running. Our hose was leaking so he headed for Walmart to get a new hose, I tried to figure out how much water was where. It took us several hours but it became apparent that everything was ruined and there was no option but a new bed. We have had some kind of waterbed for over 35 years. This last one lasted over 10 years and was the kind where you can put regular sheets on it. We don't know when the leak started but by the time it had reached the dust ruffle, there was water everywhere. wE were lucky that only parts of the carpet were wet, hopefully the fan running on it will take care of it soon.

We had to wait until 10AM for the waterbed store to open but we had already pretty much decided not to take the waterbed route again. We are getting too old for this kind of drama and we have had a lot of it in 35 years. We were scared to try a conventional box spring and mattress so we went for the inbetween. We have a of couple nights on the couch but by Saturday evening, we should be sleeping on our non-waterbedbutfeelslikeone bed. We had a sleep-over planned with the boys and decided to go ahead with it. They said they were fine with no bed so we will all be flooring it tonight.

If you had asked me yesterday if I would ever not have a waterbed, the answer would have been a resounding - NO. Never, ever giving up my waterbed. What a difference a day makes.
Our lives can change on a dime - what we think, value and what we consider unchangeable. Never be afraid to look the unchangeable in the eye and say, I have changed my mind. I am expecting a sharp, relearning curve with the new bed. It won't happen overnight and it will take effort on my part. I imagine in a month of so, I will be use to the new bed and all I will have of the old bed is very fond memories. On the upside, I may be able to do some furniture rearrainging in the bedroom that I have never been able to do before. This is looking better and better. No more hoses, waterbed refill kits or chemicals. It is a new day and I am ready. Hope the couch and I can be friends for a few days. Maybe change isn't so bad after all...

always the employee...

When I was downsized from my job of 25 years, I wound up unemployed for three months. Ironically I was hired along with 3 VP's , two days after the corporation had a massive layoff including my daughter. It was strange time but it was a job and a good one. I was hired as a paralegal assistant supervisor. My boss was my age, while everyone else held the title of the 30 something workforce. Because of severance pay, after 5 months I found out I owed the government a lot of money and if I continued working, a lot more. The future of the company was on shaky ground and the handwriting was on the wall for a short future so I resigned. At my exit interview, the VP of the legal department ask me to reconsider - he told me if I ever changed my mind, to let him know. As flattering as that was, I was more touched by the girls I had worked with. I called them all in and explained what was going on and they took turns telling me how much they loved working with me. It was only a few months and while I never knew why I was there for such a short time, these ladies made it perfectly clear. Sometimes in life, we get short term assignments and this was certainly one of them. That was 9 years ago.

My sister has still not found a job in 10 months. We have had talks about it since she started looking. Her expectations are too high. What she has to offer is a dinosaur in a digital world. The job market is changing constantly. What worked yesterday is obsolete today. The older work force clearly have value but if you don't have good computer skills, you can't expect to rule the Kingdom. I know that should I decide to go back to work that I would not be able to get the jobs I once had. Walmart, Home Depot - here I come. It is not about giving up but about being reasonable. The same holds true for in other areas of our lives. If your expectations are too high or unrealistic, you will never be able to find contentment. Don't offer someone a dinosaur and try to pass if off as a diamond. Like Kenny Rogers says, Know when to hold them and when to fold them. If you have a dinosaur, take it to a museum. Live within your means. Accept your limitations and stop beating your head against the wall. Life changes, we have to change with it or get left behind completely and if you can't be with the job you love, love the one you're with...

wwjd...

Never have been much of a wwjd fan. Didn't wear the bracelets or buy the necklace. To me, it smacked of a christian gimmack with a potential license for doing harm. There is absolutely nothing wrong and everything right about getting out of our own heads and into His but not sure that is what wwjd accomplished.

We all have our ideas and opinions and they mainly come from what we think versus what Jesus actually did. When we aren't trying to explain God in easily understandable human terms, we are busy trying to figure out how He would act in our day and age. The bible is pretty clear on how Jesus moved among us when He was here. His priorities are not secrets yet we continue to find ways that make more sense to us. If Jesus sees what I see, this is what He would do.

We all do it. We all have our own ideas of wwjd. I have a whole list of them and I can guarantee you, I don't have a clue. It is not about figuring out how you can imitate Jesus's behavior so you will look like him. It is about letting Him show through you. The wwjd model is backwards from the point of reference we need. I forget that about a million times a day. Today was no exception.

My DH has worked for the same employer for 40 years. I worked for them for 25 - we know them well. There is a small cash award and company wide recognition that comes with it. The bottom line is that they forgot him, completely. When confronted, the HR manager blamed the confusion on the department not being the same since ( nameless ex employee) left, which was over a year ago. Note to plant manager - YOU have some real problems - apparently HR is running wild, sorry I am not available - I could have control of HR in less two weeks. I know the ex employee and it was a shame they let her go but I digress. I wanted to do bad things to the the HR manager. In the scheme of things, this is a little deal but it hurt DH feelings and that got to me. wwjd - He would remind me that life isn't fair, look at the plank in my own eye and its not my battle. I need to let Him shine thru me not shove Him aside while I take care of business. I don't need to think about wwjd, I need to listen to what He said and did. No more, no less...

spring break - day 1

We started our day with karate lessons and then headed for Krispy Kreme. Funny that later, those Krispy Kreme pics would be at the museum and funnier yet, that strangers would appear to be interested in our spring break photos. Get your own masterpieces at dunkr.net. Fun little site with great potential.

Spring break brings an ideology with it that, depending on your season in life, is almost ritual. For the little kids, it's about going to the zoo, Powell's Candy Shop or Krispy Kreme donuts. For college students, it is Daytona Beach with all those scenes from Where The Boys Are, running thru their heads. For parents, it is the nightmare to the college student's dream. Everyone has expectations. Some pan out and some don't.

It is a time to wipe out all the cobwebs. Everyone has been busy with school, sports and everything in between and spring break calls out - Take a chill pill, go with the flow and let it all hang out. It is a precursor to summer that is just around the corner. Graduations, weddings and those lazy, hazy days of summer. However, before Those days can begin, there is still a few more weeks of back to the grind. For the seniors - this is a wonderful and crazy time. Prom, finals and getting ready to live La Vita Real Life. For the little kids, their favorite subject - recess - is about to become all day, everyday.

For the rest of us, it is another year of Spring. The grass is starting to green up and our thoughts turn to fertilizer and cleaning out the garage. The threat of snow is pretty much gone and wind will bring the chill that keeps us from putting our coats away until summer kicks in. We all start to move more - our hibernation tendencies are dwindling and new energies are appearing. It really is a good place to be.

Back to spring break, we have something planned for every day this week. It has been a long winter. We are restless and need to run, jump and play until we are completely worn out. You need that whether you are a kid, a teen, a college student, a young/middle/old adult. Recharge those batteries. Go to the park, get ready to yard sale, grab a donut or visit a museum. Just have fun!

walk the line...

Friday morning I woke up 1/2 hour before the alarm went off. I laid there, started thinking and decided I just needed to crawl up in be in Jesus's lap. No words, just the feel of His arms wrapped around me. It wasn't but a few seconds and I knew I needed to get Heather and bring her into this little love feast. If anyone needed a hug, Heather does.

I found her via Tara Whitney's blog . Heather wanted some pictures of her family. So Tara did the shoot and Heather was thrilled. You see, Heather was diagnosed in December 2006 with uncurable esophageal cancer,.Her kids are 11, 6 and 6 months. She will have chemotherapy the rest of her life, however long that may be. Her blog is a mix of medical terminology and human emotions. She has been on my mind and near my heart, everyday since I found her - going on a month now. Her last blog entry was March 14 - I check the blog several times a day. I want to, I need to know how she is doing. I want to ask her how the chemo is going, How are the kids? Where is your head? However I can't. I must wait on her - but helping her up into Jesus's lap and holding her tight, that, I can do.

Our guest pastor today put it into perspective. Pastor Jose is from one of our church plants and in the very early stages of developing a flock. If you have started a church from scratch, you know what I mean . Pulling the pastor out of a 6 month old church seems like certain death and it might be. While PJ has jumped through all the legal hoops, barring a miracle - he and his family will be deported this week. While I had a very difficult time understanding him, his message was pretty clear. In my mind, I saw one of those EKG machines with all those horizontal lines. Here's my interpretation...

Faith is a straight line. It never wavers. When the going gets tough, the line of faith is not effected. There is an emotional line that weaves in and out, high and low and up and down but the faith line is rock solid and a straight shooter. This doesn't mean we turn into cold robots - we cry, we weep and we grieve and all that is how God made us but our faith - linear from point A to point B.

I needed that for Heather and I needed that for me. The news got me down this week, Unspeakable things done to children - I tried to make it all work in my mind and it just wasn't happening. My faith was strong but I forgot that it is alright to grieve, It is alright to crawl up in Jesus lap and just be and it is alright to bring someone with you.

I don't know if Heather will get to play Toilet Paper Bride at her daughter's wedding shower. Whatever happens to her, I will hold her and hers, up. It was God's suggestion that she be included in the group hug and nothing could have made me happier - except maybe to see her blog again soon...

giddy...

After the Mark Schultz concert, we decided that Keaton was old enough to start coming with us and would buy him a ticket to the next event. No Greater Love is a annual Easter pageant done by a local church complete with hundreds of people, live animals and sense of the true meaning of Easter. He is very excited to go and was sharing his news with his other grandmother. She told him she would like to go. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would be interested and had bought the assigned seat tickets a week ago.

I offered to give my ticket to Grandma Sue. She has never been and I am just giddy at the thought of her going. She has come to all Keaton and Gage's Christmas and Easter programs at church and has been very supportive. She has asked for prayers when life has thrown her curveballs that she couldn't catch. There was NO Way that she wasn't going if she was interested. Even though our tickets were assigned seating, I thought it was worth a shot to see if they had any adjoining tickets on either side of ours. We are in Section C, Row J and Seats 10, 11 and 12. I called Select A Seat and guess what? Seats 13 and 14 were available. There is a good chance that Bebe (her SIL) is going too. Bebe, Keaton and I hooked up a few years ago and saw Bill Gaither when he came thru. There were tears in Bebe's eyes - she had grown up in Virginia with this kind of music. I will never forget that night that we shared - if Bill comes back to town, the three of us have a standing date.

You never know how God is going to work and I don't know how they will react. What I do know is that I have known these guys for more than 10 years and my prayers for them have never stopped. It is a cumulative labor of Love lead by these wonderful boys. God has used them in a marvelous way. Whatever happens, we will all be sitting together and as the age old Story of Easter is played out before us, we will share it. As the crowds of people start down the aisle and scream for Barrabas to be released, it is a powerful visual of what it might have been like among them. When Jesus is nailed to the cross and you hear the nails being pounded in his hands, you could hear a pin drop. We will all walk away different than when we came in. For Keaton , Grandma Sue and Bebe, it will be the first time. They will each walk away with Jesus knocking at the door of their hearts. I am leaving them all to Him who knows then better than I. I am just glad I get to sit next to them...

So, what are you going to do?

I spent a great deal of time watching TV today. This afternoon, more Milton Creagh, this time talking to business leaders in our community. He talked of drugs in the workplace. The USA has 4.5 - 5 % of the world's population yet we use 65% of the drugs made worldwide. Businesses who are looking to locate in an area now do studies on the potential workforce, trying to determine what % can pass a drug test. This is a people problem not just teaching kids to Just Say No.

Later on, Entertainment Tonight was talking yet again, about Anna Nicole Smith and how her drug use and example had affected her son. Would he still have be alive, had she been a different kind of role model. Have heard that in her private diaries, she recounted partying with her mother. Could her life have been spared had her mother been a role model?

After ET, it was the last of 10 apperances in 2 days for Mr Creagh. His message was simple.

The Government can fix it.
The Governor can't fix it.
The Mayor can't fix it.

We the people. We are the only ones who can fix it. We who are involved with each other. The people who have been intrusted to us. Whether by blood or circumstance. It is up to each of us. So, what are you going to do?

It's not just about drugs. Chris Hansen from Dateline's To Catch A Predator has been making the talk show rounds and says the single most important thing a parent can do to protect their children from on-line predators is to put the computer in a common room where there is no privacy and to limit time spent on the computer. I don't know if that is possible in most homes but here's what I think. We have to lead, whether by example or actions.

So, what are you going to do? There is no pat answer. There is no one size fits all nor an instant cure. Its about leading, its about being involved wherever your season of life is. If you are around kids, start there. If teens fill your home, start there. If you have a family, start there.

So, what am I going to do? I have my family, I will start there. I have friends, I will start there. To the ones sent my way, I will start there. And that my friends, is all I really know...
So, what am I going to do?

march against meth...

Our local news channel is in the middle of a month long war against drugs campaign. For the entire month of March, they have had news stories and personal looks into the war against drugs from those who are living it. The commericials have been peppered with reminders and with special programming through out the day and evening hours, you would be hard pressed not to have seen any part of it.

I watched this afternoon as the special speaker who has been brought in for a huge rally tomorrow night at the Idaho Center spoke to a group of kids. Milton Creagh has been here before. Many years ago in the same venue, with the same message. He brings with him a strong sense of what today's teens are all about and they identify with him. When he was here last time, he was walking the aisle and grabbed a couple of boys. One had long hair and the other was a boy that we knew who was the poster child of the perfect parent's dream. Milton had been talking about drug dealers and what they look like. Steve has always been a straight shooter and Mr Creagh's point was, that drug dealers don't look like the long haired kid - they look like Steve. Clean, cut and very presentable.I have never forgotten night, I learned alot.

Today's broadcast was from a local middle school - in a gym packed with kids. For over an hour, he told Story after Story about the effects of drugs including alcohol, smoking and the ever present meth. Middle school kids think they know it all. There is no time in your life when you think you are smarter or untouchable than middle school. He hammered away at them in their language, told Stories of kids and adults who lost their lives to drugs At regular intervals, he would ask them Do you know anyone who has - died, prison, divorce and a number of other things. Hands went up everytime he asked. Sometimes, many hands. I couldn't help but think about how much more these kids know than the kids I sat with in that auditorium, many years ago. How much more they know, have experienced and how much faster they have had to grow up. The world they know is hard and fast. Many of them are living lives we can't even imagine.

As he wrapped up his time, he asked more questions and had them stand up if there was Someone in their lives that it applied too. As he asked each question, he had them continue to stand. It was field of kids, all on their feet.

How many of you have parents in prison on drug related charges?
How many of you know someone who has been raped because of drug use?
How many of you have lost someone to a smoking related death?

Question after question, they continued to stand. When he was finished, the camera was looking over that sea of students - it was difficult to see anyone still sitting down. We are a walking culture of drugs. We all know Someone who is using. Whether a parent, a friend, a child or a stranger - this effects each of us.. After living a childhood with just the people Mr Creagh is talking about, I know what he is saying is true. I escaped from them as a kid because I didn't have enough money for drugs AND cupcakes. Food is legal drug of choice and just as deadly but that is a fight for another day.

Tomorrow night, I hope the Idaho center is packed with kids and their parents. They are going to march from the parking lot into the arena as a sign of solidarity. The cynical part of me questions, What is the point? Those who need it most won't be there. The God side of me says, if only one walks away with hope then it was worth it. Thanks KTVB for making the effort and thanks Milton for coming...

sight unseen...

Spent some time yesterday afternoon on my good friend's patio. It is a wonderful place to go on a warm afternoon. We watched the ducks splash and play and talked of things good and bad. The state of world and if the bad we see now was always there and not talked of or was it new. We agreed it wasn't new but with our instant media these days, maybe we know more than we should.

And if we do know more than we should, how does that change us? For me, I think is heightens my distrust of people. It makes it much tougher to see with my Jesus eyes . It makes it tougher to see what I need to see. One can't be blind to what is going on around us. Sometimes, we don't have that choice. Watched a documentary about 911 last night and one of the Stories was about the 2nd plane that hit the twin towers. A son had called his dad and told him the plane he was on had been highjacked and it didn't look good. HIs wife and baby were also on the plane. When he called back a few minutes later, with the TV on in his parent's living room and as the son was talking to his dad, the plane hit the 2nd tower. His mom was watching the TV and his dad held a dead phone call in his hands. Maybe we know more than we should.

We can't turn back the clock - technology is here to stay. We will each have to come to some kind of understanding how to cope. I was reminded by another friend today that His Ways are not our ways. Seems easy as long as you don't pick up a newspaper or watch the 10PM news.

I need to trust the unseen.

I need to look fully at what is coming at me and not run.

I need to trust in His Ways.

As we sat on the patio a litle longer, my friend taught me the basics of Sudoko. Now I am hooked. Hopefully, in a good way. Maybe I can divert some of this energy into the brain power I will need to play this game. Sometimes light comes from the most unlikely of places and we just need to trust that we have all we need...

runway model...

Not by choice but I needed someone and he did have his Eric Clapton shirt on. We were scouting different locations in town for future photo opportunities and he obligized.

He has been obligizing me for 35 years now. Not a job for the faint at heart. He has not always done it with the gusto and enthusiasm that are in my expectation range but in his own way. He is not a gusto kind of guy - that is why he has me. We are total opposites in most things - in our case, definitely, opposites attract and even endure.

We are planning now for his retirement in a little less than 4 years and photography is emerging as our common interest. He was into photography in college and is proficient with a 35 mm camera and knows his way around a darkroom. I, on the other hand didn't become obsessed with photography until I found out I was going to be a nana. His portfolio is full of nature and landscape shots - mine is full of teens in front of old buildings and the faces of the three cutest kids you have ever seen. I know nothing about film and he knows nothing about actions. Yet, there is an excitement that is surrounding both of us.

We had a FABulous time toodling around town - jumping out of the car to take test shots. He stood in front of old buildings while I took the shot then he would take the camera and take the shot that he saw, in his mind. My runway model - these pictures are him. I love that they captured his essense.

We are making plans for the future but fully aware that it is about enjoying this time together. He works quite a bit so these times of him, having a life, are precious to both of us.He spends alot of his life living vicariously thru me. When it comes home from work, I give him a running commentary on the day's news and the current events of his grandchildren. He looks forward to my Stories. Even if I do say so myself, I can be as entertaining as annoying. 35 years together, boy is he a lucky man...

the simpler the better...

I wish I could remember that about 20 times a day. Not only am I a happier person when I do but I think the world around me is too. The ex Mrs Paul McCartney has told the court she NEEDS $20,ooo a day to live -she would do well to look at downsizing her world.

The simple act of running around the yard is a heavenly delight when you are 2. If you are wearing a cowboy hat, a tutu and cowboy boots - you hardly notice but you make your mother and nana, extremely happy. We can't see your face but we know what it looks like. Your cheeks are cherry red and there is a big smile on your face. You could run around the tree in the yard for hours and having your brother to chase, just makes it that much better.

Not long after this picture was taken, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Good thing we could get in the backyard until your daddy came home. The kids from next door came over, took pity on us and brought cookies and pretzels to share. We played baseball, went up and down the slide and pushed you guys on the swing. For about 50 minutes, we all lived a pretty simple life. Although we would not choose to be locked out and we missed karate lessons, it was a perfect day to enjoy the sun and each other.

For some of us, not being about to use the bathroom was a problem, for others, it was not. No simple plan is perfect. Nothing ever is but it is at these times that we come as close as we ever will. Your daddy finally came home and I RAN for the bathroom, Feeling much better, I grabbed a drink and headed back outside. Nothing to do now but head for home. I gave kisses all around and opted to head out into rush hour traffic. Back to reality - 500Pm traffic will do that to you but as I drove, I thought about my day and I can't imagine spending it any other way.

After I picked Keaton up from school the other day he was telling me about his day and we started talking about his upcoming Disney trip...My dreams came true, I can't believe it. That's what Disney says - if you follow your dreams, they come true and mine did... Jesus says the same thing in a little different way. Such a simple concept with such big results...

which is better, 1 or 2?...

I had my eyes tested yesterday and it is always a thrill to go to the eye doctor. I am NOT kidding! He never sticks you with needles, never tells you to lose weight or exercise more and you don't have to stop at the pharmacy on the way home. Dr D is the perfect doctor.

However I do feel the need to Pass the Test when I go. I want to get an A. It is so silly, I know but I think of ways to make my vision better than it actually is. The whole point of Which is better, 1 or 2? is to make me see my world better. Trying to see what I can not see would defeat the whole purpose - what am I thinking? but nonetheless, I find myself really wanting to read the line below the one I can actually see.

What is so strange is that I am so not like that in Real Life. I could stinking care less, or am I? I sometimes think the world is better than I think but my rose-colored glasses make it seem darker. I really want to see clear - I want to see what I need to see as it needs to be seen by me, if that makes any sense.

Dr D said my eyes have shifted a bit since my last visit, not much. I will be going in shortly to get new glasses but the view won't be any better unless I shift the thinking inside my head. I'm not going to worry about what I can't see, I am going to focus on the vision I do have... Wish I could see Dr D for all those others things. Which is better, 1 or 2? seems like a much kinder way to treat a patient...

innocent until proven guilty...

That is one of the things that makes our country great. I'm sure our forefathers meant it to protect people from being unjustly convicted before their time. Maybe I should say I agree to a point. A couple of lawyers were discussing John Evander Couey the other day. He is the man who confessed to burying 9 year old Jessica Lundsford alive, after kidnapping her from her home and repeatingly raping her. One lawyer said a person is innocent until proven guilty which only happens AFTER a jury foreman pronounces him guilty. In my opinion, that is wrong. One is guilty when one chooses to confess and give up the right to remain silent.

Couey was found guilty by a jury of his peers very quickly. They looked at the DNA evidence, didn't buy the defense's theory that he was retarded, despite the fact that he spent a great deal of time coloring on paper throught his trial. The penalty phase of his trial started today - and the death penalty is on the table. For many reasons, I no longer believe in the death penalty. I wish I did.

As long as one is alive, all you have to do is ask God for His forgiveness and you are saved. That is what we believe. That doesn't sit very well with me about Couey. I don't want him to get off that easy. He is the the worst of the worst. He confessed, detailed everything horrible thing he had did to her. He laid it all out - then he pleads not guilty. He didn't give Jess a chance and I don't want him to have a chance.That is what the human part of me says but the other part of me knows better.

All of this is so hard to comprehend. So difficult to understand and tough to live. This isn't about Couey or the next Couey. It is about God's Grace and our acceptance of that grace for each one of us. She who has her faith, has everything. Amen...

imagine...

Getting ready for the big Disneyworld trip in a few weeks. I had seen the online review of the wilderness lodge where everybody will be staying. The boys have lodgepole bunk beds and the pool looks like the big waterpark we have around here. In a word, it is FABulous.

The boys wanted me to see the DVD of what to expect. I grew up about 5 miles from Disneyland and have been there countless times, even graduation night. We could see the nightly fireworks from our backyard and eventually, it became routine and we quit. So as I settled in to watch this fun little video of Disneyworld, I knew a little of what it might be like. I was wrong.

About a minute into the video, I had tears running down my face which continued throughout the presentation. These were not tears of joy for the boys and Brandi at the prospect of their trip. This was personal - this was about me. I felt completely overwhelmed. I could not speak. As the video played on, an older woman came on the screen, looked right in the camera and said, Imagine not having to imagine. That is the experience that DW wants you to walk away with and this is one that I didn't know until that moment, that I do too.

I don't know how or when but DW is on my radar. I don't know if it my age and I want to see

it with childlike sight. It reminds me of my faith. Imagine never having to imagine. Sounds like Something God would say or at least, it has the same effect on me. I am not a goal person, I live in the moment. Not A 100 things I want to do before I die kind of girl but I might be adding this one thing.

For now, I will live vicariously thru my family. I can't wait to see the pictures and hear their Stories. But Someday, I want to grab them and see it for myself. They will be able to show me what they imagined and point me in the right direction to find my own. Whatever it was that brought those tears so quickly will be found whether at Disneyworld or Someday from God Himself. Either way, It's always about the Magic Kingdom...

You are a Child of Mine...

Brandi and I had tickets to see Mark Schultz on Friday night. It didn't start raining until a few hours before the concert. Not thinking much about it and since I only lived a few miles from the venue, I took off early, thinking I would sit in my car and read a magazine. When I got there, already 3 people in line and I decided if I wanted to stay out of the elements and be able to stand under the overhang, I would be standing in line early. There was a young, angry college girl in front of me. She couldn't understand why we couldn't come in early because of the rain, why she couldn't get anyone to come with her and was generally, mad. Behind me were two 30-something career women who were equally hoping for the doors to open early. They never did but it was an interesting hour.
When the doors finally opened, we ran to get seats. In about 10 minutes, all the seats were taken and those of us saving seats began to guard our territory. The people in back of me needed to save a whole row - but less than they had originally planned. Their friend Michele had lost her dad unexpectedly the night before. The mom and daughter next to us bought tshirts.Brandi got there safe and sound a few minutes later and all was good.
It was a great concert. Bid Daddy Weave and Mark Schultz rocked the house with song after
song of God's great Love. They honored military personnel, past and present. They had done 15 concerts before ours but I had and still have a feeling there was Something going on.
BDW meationed it first - that there was a sweet spirit in the room. Later, MS said the same thing. He went over his set, about extra 15 minutes and several times, it seemed he was wiping away tears. You never know what might have happened that day to a bus full of singers - or what a few thousand people singing acappella to a group of lonely travelers might do.
I walked away that night not only feeling like I had been to church...but that we left a little bit of ourselves for them. I have never felt that way before and whatever was going on that night, I am so thankful that I was there and I pray, that this will not be the last time they feel this way on this tour. Rock on guys, ROCK ON...

cooking...

I love to cook, always have. There is Something about working with my hands, smelling the smells and having a finished product that could potentially, make someone's day. DH would rather eat home than out - that is pretty high praise coming from Mr Go With The Flow.

The perfect job would be cooking for a family. Would never want to cook at a restaurant. People go nuts and Someone is always unhappy about something but a family. My family would eat my dinners and say, This is the reason we eat at home.

Food is a big deal whether you are cooking it or trying to keep from eating it. Buying it takes a lot of our time and carrying it from the store to the car, then into the house and into some kind of organization so you can find it later. Jesus talked alot about breaking bread together. I think hospitality should be taught in school. So many of us came from homes where breaking bread was not valued and in turn, didn't practice it when we had homes of our own. We have gone from being fairly social to... not so much. DH job over the years, has made having people in- impossible. My saving grace is Sundays.

Whether Poppa is home or not, I have dinner with my kids after church. They all come running in about 1230 and are starved. Everybody is talking and it is a time I cherish. If somebody has something to do, we are flexible but if there are too many Sundays in a row without our dinners, Keaton starts asking, Am I going to see you on Sunday? On Mondays, his second - grade class have to give an overview of their Saturdays and Sundays and his teacher knows where he spends his Sundays.

How about hospitality being taught in second grade right along with math and spelling? Then years from now when these kids are all grown up, they can talk about economics and literature at their dinner party. Whether over fish tacos or a prime rib dinner, Its about being together. Thank goodness is is almost Sunday...

mine no more...

I can't remember where I heard it. It was a man and I think it was on TV. Just a short sentence but it keeps coming back again and again. Could it be true?

He said something to the effect that you can not forgive someone for doing something bad if it wasn't done to you. For example, if someone does something to your child or spouse - forgiveness has to come from them, to the one whom the bad was done. I don't know if I agree or not. I don't know if it is just words or if there is some truth to the theory. I do know that I carry around grudges that have nothing to do with me and that is what bothers me.

Forgive (fer-giv)
to grant pardon for or remission of offense, sin, etc.
to cancel a debt or obligation
to grant pardon

Maybe he is right. What if it is true? How would my life change? I have spent hours thinking about situations in my life that would be totally resolved because like everyone else, I carry a so - called unforgiveness torch for wrongs to those I care about. Sometimes it is about people I don't even know but their Story has become a part of me. Maybe we treat forgiveness too carelessly in our efforts to hold on and resist. Maybe true forgiveness can only come from the one who was wronged and our job is to support them and help them see the benefits of granting pardon or canceling a debt instead of trying to hold them back because we are not able to forgive.

Something inside me tells me it it may be true and something tells me, my life would change considerably, if I followed that path. Jesus died for my sins, He was the only One who could. I need to figure out who I need to forgive and not worry about what isn't mine. It will take some time to sort it out, so many vines winding in and out that will need to be seperated. I think it is time to go Down That Road...

the gift...

Last Sunday morning as the mucis started at church I stood and listened to the combined voices of almost 500 unconnected people who were, for a few minutes, all on the same page.

It doesn't happen very often. That feeling of being connected, Unless by a belief, cause or hobby, we are pretty much loners until we connect.

Then I becomes we... us.....together.

And then, we start wishing we were someone else. Someone with Those talents or That ability. We lose sight of our own gift and start going after someone else's. American Idol outtakes - need I say more? Looks like if we wish or think or are in denial enough, we can fool ourselves into believing we have a gift, even when it was never given to us. We miss what we so desperately need to see, our own gift.

I'm not sure when it happened but I no longer am interested in gifts that aren't mine. There was a day when I would have sold my soul to be a singer. Don't care anymore. I still sing at home and in the car but I don't long for it anymore. I don't want anything that God has not chosen to give me. Why? Because look at what He has given me.

We need to do the best we can with what we have been. Walk your way. Learn to love the way you are and what you have been given. Don't waste time wishing your gifts were different or wishing you had someone else's way. For now, I will enjoy Mary J Blige and Ana Laura while being blessed by their gift and thrive in my own.

sperm bank for women...

There is a 37 year old woman who is three months pregnant in Connecticut. Not very unusual or note worthy except that she is so from using a egg from a egg bank. Sperm bank for men, egg bank for women. It is the new and coming thing...

Less common and more complicated, apparently there is a problem with the freezing and thawing of the egg. Scientists have been working on it and they estimate that in five years, a women will be able to flip through the pages in a catalog to pick a mommy and her egg. More options for women. It will never fly...

Forget the legal and moral questions.

Forget the 15% of the population that will do ANYTHING

Forget what you think and go with your gut.

Women are built different than men. Sperm banks have been around forever. Beside the immediate perks, there is usually money involved and with no commitment - seems like the ideal activity for men. Don't you think that if this had been popular that a bunch of women scientists would have gotten together and made it happen by now?

Women are nurturers by nature. Look at all the sadness wrapped up in abortions and adoptions. Do you really think that a woman would make a deposit in an egg bank never knowing if every child that they pass on any street for the rest of their lives, could be hers? I think the scientists have a Big Problem on their hands. They might be more successful to ask women to check a box on their drivers license to be an egg donor - after death.

Some things can't be changed or altered by medical breakthroughs. Women are who they are and I am so proud to be among them. Just don't ask for my egg - you may get more than you bargained for...

bigger than life...

Saturday, Keaton and I spent the day together running errands. One of our stops included refreshments at our local coffee shop. It is fun and funky and the bathroom is particularly cool. The writing on the wall is always a crowd pleaser and a FABulous place to take pictures. It is so outside of the box, you get a big sense of Whatever It Is. Maybe you can put your finger on it but I have been in this bathroom more than once and it always amazes me.

I am a big icon person. Icons are a powerful tool to remind me of what is true without being overwhelmed but there are times that we need to be overwhelmed.

At church yesterday during the singing, they did the icon thing. They pasted Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets filled with small, wrapped honey-type candies. We were instructed to each take one and pass them along. After the proper allegeric warnings were give, we were invited to share in a mini carbohydrate communion and think about the many times honey is referred to in the bible and basically link it's sweet taste to the goodness of God. I am sure there were lots of folks who enjoyed the moment and not meaning any disrespect, I couldn't stop thinking about a sermon I had heard talking about the same thing in a little different way.

Rob Bell tells about the early days and how the little children were taught by rabbis. He went on to tell about honey being poured lavishly over the learning tablets that each child had and they were instructed to lick all that honey (which was their favorite treat - no gummy worms in those days). Can you imagine how long it must have taken to lick the slate clean? I imagine that the rabbi probably never said a word - he just let them go. In their own time with their own thoughts and letting whatever lessons they would learn from God, to come.

With that image in my head, I put the candy in my pocket. For me, to explain the sweetestness of God will always be bigger than life. I think we do ourselves an injustice sometimes when we try to explain Him in terms we can understand. The piece of candy I can understand, the lavishness of unmeasured honey, I can't. That is the world I find myself drawn to. That is how I want to explain Him to the world. That is where I feel the most Loved, where I can't explain it.

Breaking News...

I long ago gave up network news for cable news. Network news is much like a newspaper - 24 hours old and old news. Cable news is like the internet, on top of it and ready to go.

My daughter and her family passed their local Walmart the other night about 730PM and it was obvious that something Big was going on. Not one to wait until the local 10Pm news, she got on the internet and found our that someone had left a bomb threat in a restroom. That is the way the 30 ish generation gets their information these days. The Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric viewers are late 60 and early 70's. I would venture that these journalists will be out of jobs as their generation of viewers goes to the great network in the skies.

My only complain of the cable networks is that virtually Everything is BREAKING NEWS. Not unlike the Boy Who Cried Wolf, there really is very little need to heed their warning anymore. The BREAKING NEWS has been so over-played, that any usefulness it ever had is gone. There is no balance and there is no credibility. Personally, I have become mute to BREAKING NEWS now. BREAKING NEWS - it snowed again today just like the last 5 days !!!!!

My local news that I watched primarily as a lead-in to Jay Leno, uses a different yet equally unsatisfactory technique.

YOU WILL ONLY SEE IT HERE !!!!!

News is not exclusive and shouldn't be. Everytime I see this I want to slap them because basically, they are the best around. They are better than that. We just buried 3 local men who lost their lives in Iraq. Is that Something you would be proud of putting your little motto to?

Here is My BREAKING NEWS ( and it is all over the news as I type)... Waiting for the Anna Nicole funeral to begin but her mother has filed an 11th hour appeal and the hearse holding the body of Anna Nicole is sitting in front of the church 1/2 hour after the funeral was to begin until her mother's appeal is heard.

YOU WILL ONLY SEE IT HERE... Any mother who would bring her child's funeral to a screaming halt at the very moment of the beginning of the service should be dealt with by Someone other than me. Someone with more compassion. Someone who can deal with her because He made her. I hope she will see what she is doing to her family and as for Anna Nicole, Rest in Peace, my friend, hopefully and finally today...