comfort...

and joy.
That is what comes to my mind immediately. Then, mashed potatoes and homemade chocolate pudding.

Comfort (Wiktionary)
a contentment, or ease
a consolation, something relieving suffering or worry
a cause of relief or satisfaction.

We all receive comfort from many common areas then we branch out, go our own way and fine tune what brings us the comfort we so desperately seek. We seek comfort in the good and bad times, in want or in plenty and we seek it often.

As my thoughts about comfort would indicate, comfort to me is about the good things. The things that bring happiness and good will but I think there is a dark side to comfort. One, most of us would rather not think about.

My experience tells me there is a kind of comfort where rational thinking flies out the window. It is a place where bad feels good because it is better than the unknown. A place where comfort hugs itself to the ground and won't let go. Where the idea that this false comfort, it better than seeking out true comfort. I know that feeling and I know how real it feels.

We hear Story after Story about kids begging to go back to dysfunctional homes. Wives going back to homes where they are physically assaulted - men too. Hard to believe there could be contentment, ease or comfort in those kinds of situations but there is and we humans continue, like the songs says, Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places.

If it doesn't make sense, it's not true... Good old Judge Judy. If we could use that philosophy in our lives more often, how would it change what we believe? what we do? How we act and respond?

I am a lucky woman. I have a better handle on comfort now. It looks like cozy slippers and hot chocolate. I am not longer willing to invest in false comfort - life is too short and the stakes are too big...

having fun...

Did you have fun today? Yesterday or the day before that? Since I am experiencing delayed childhood syndrome, I try to have some kind of fun everyday and if I can't actively find some, I make my own.

I tell myself my favorite joke which always brings a smile yet I can't repeat here. I do a stand up routine for DH when he gets home and if I can make him laugh, my work is done. I often get in trouble along with the kids and am shushed or worse. I don't see any of it changing soon. To those whom it may concern, you just better hope it doesn't get any worse!

Child likeness is necessary for creativity. I didn't know that I had a creative bone in my body until I embraced the child likeness. Had I not missed a few steps in the beginning, I am not sure there would have been any creativity discovery in my life.

Many boo hoo the art of play. They are wrong. Everyone needs a bit of play and to not understand that is to miss a Big Lesson. The first time I saw Tom Hanks dance on the big floor piano in Big, I was stunned. Was there such a thing and how fast can I get there. I have looked for the elusive piano ever since - looks like a road trip to me. Forget the museums and churches - I've got bigger fish to fry...

online community...

There are so many good thought patterns going on out there. It is community in a way that no matter how good ours are - they are just that...ours...singular...one. When you find community in thought, you can take a shortcut to being a better person. None of the greatest ideas in the world will do you any good if you never take them from your head to your heart. Knowledge is like food sitting on a shelve in the pantry. Pretty useless unless you eat it. These three short from my blog community spoke to me yesterday. I have never met Seth and Danielle but would love too. We are very simpatico, Miss Trisha, on the other hand - I have known since, well forever. Now based in Pennsylvania, I live vicariously with her and looking at the world through a 20 year old's eyes.
You can't believe what you can learn in community. Your Story mingles with theirs and the outcome can be outstanding. Thank you guys.

Make a Decision - Seth Godin
It doesn't have to be a wise decision or a perfect one. Just make one.

In fact, make several. Make more decisions could be your three word mantra.

No decision is a decision as well, the decision not to decide. Not deciding is usually the wrong decision. If you are the go-to person, the one who can decide, you'll make more of a difference. It doesn't matter so much that you're right, it matters that you decided.

Of course it's risky and painful. That's why it's a rare and valuable skill.

Sunday - 6 year med
I know this guy who had a heart transplant a few years ago. Now he rides a motorcycle and refuses to wear a helmet. He says that motorcycle accidents lead to organ donors, and that's the only reason he's gotten to live this long.

I think that is really stupid and lovely all at once.


Lord beer me strength - yesterday's awakenings

you've heard the story

you know how it goes

once upon a garden we were lovers with no clothes

fresh from the soil

we were beautiful and true

in control of our emotions till we ate the poison fruit

and now it's hard to be a decent human being

and this is why we struggle to do things on our own and walk our dogs without making eye contact with our neighbors. because we really do crave to be in relationship and community with one another, it's how were created, it's a desire that comes from our basic humanity. but because of our broken choices, we are left with this severed relationship to everything around us - especially with each other.

so community becomes a restoration of the true and beautiful picture that God first laid out for us. we are embracing the purity of ourselves by being in community with one another.

the familiar...

As you can always count on there being a pumpkin patch in your future during the fall season, there are other things were the familiar often stand alone.

Gage and I had been out shopping a few weeks ago - one of the things we both like is old books. We were checking out them out at the Grace Place, and he started asking questions about the hymnals. He handed me a red Nazarene one and said, Did you use to to use these at your old church? When I answered yes, he had to own it.

I understand why. In his short 7 years, he has only known 2 churches and both use continually changing music on overhead screens. The Church of the last 15 years has seen music that changes with the season, with the year, with the whim of the music director. Many churches are this way and this has been his experience. He needed more and I get it.

As I read through the first pages of that familiar songbook, the words of the old songs came rushing back. I admit, I longed for a Nazarene sing a long. Something happens when choices are limited. Most of the time we think of that as a bad thing but sometimes, not so. In fact sometimes, it feels awfully good...

the 12 disciples...

It has been a cold, windy stay-inside type of weekend. Off and on for the last two days, I have immersed myself back in the West Wing series. I am guessing we will not see TV like this again - there is Something about it that speaks to me on a very emotional level. Politics, religion, sarcasm and great thinking - what is not to love? On a very basic level, watching these Stories gave me back some of the perspective that I had lost last week. I am now back on track, thanks to President Bartlet, Toby, Josh, CJ, Sam and Mrs Landingham. These people, this fictional people I know like my own family.

During one of the scene, President Bartlet was talking to a serious, committed christian leader. He turned to the man who had been trying to explain his undying love to Jesus and asked the man, Who are the 12 disciples of Christ? The man hesitated and then named the 12. All of them. Seemed like a pretty fair question and as for me, I fell short, way short.

Shouldn't one who claims to be a follower or Jesus Christ be able to name his inner circle? Wouldn't you think that would be pretty basic material? I can honestly say, I don't remember a lesson where the names of those disciples ever came up. We have all seen the Last Supper either in photos or live performance. Most of us, followers or not - have heard of Judas. Growing up, I heard his name daily. I didn't know who he was but I knew if someone was mad, his name would be coming up pretty quick.

So, I Googled them, put them in alphabetical order and am working on memorizing them. Maybe it's not a big deal but to me it is. This is something I should know. Not for bragging rights or to be spiritual superior but because for me, it is the right thing to do. I am not there yet. I have always had a bad memory and it ain't getting any better but I am working on it. Those who Jesus chose to mentor, they need a place in my heart.

Peter
Andrew
James, brother of John
John
Philip
Bartholomew
Matthew
Thomas
Thaddeus
Simon
James, the less
Judas

Paul replaced Peter
Mattias replaced Judas

Somewhere...

between A Bird in the Hand is worth more than two in the Bush and Easy come, Easy go... is where most of life is lived out,

Inbetween having your internal security system in hyperdrive to mostly comatose is where you want to shoot for. A nice balance, living time for the crazies and the unexpected.

I remember thinking and feeling, I couldn't wait to grow up. In my defense, I had good reason to imagine life could only get better. I didn't give one iota of thought to gaining weight or getting wrinkles. Mainly it was about getting a fast car and well, driving fast - with the music turned up loud. How could I ever have imagined an IPod or the internet. Now that, would have been seriously cool to know back then.

Our lives, ying and yang. We do tend to favor one camp over another. There are times when safety and security are the guardians of our life cruise and other times, when we throw caution to the wind. Neither is good or bad or better than the other. It is jsut the way we roll depending on our life experience but however you roll, it is always good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and see how the other halof lives. Try it, you'll like it...

the sun on your face...

Hard to imagine being anywhere else.
The sun on your face,
your mind, in the Moment.
Captured forever,
yet just the beginning.

If we can learn to dream,
we can go beyond where we think.
We can dream of what could be,
and still live with, what is.

To feel the sun on your face,
is to know you are able to do more,
than you imagine. More than can be understood.
It is to know that one is loved...beyond measure...

the future...

There is more about God that we don't understand than we do understand...

The future always seems so elusive, so foreign. Not only do you have no idea what is going to happen minute to minute but most attempts at trying to predict the future, see us come up short. We all have plans and dreams - if nothing comes between us and those plans, we head off with a bit of confidence that we are in some kind of self fulfilled future.

Try as I may, this concept of a future laptop isn't how I envisioned it. While very cool, most of my ideas of the future revolve around what I learned on from George, Jane, Judy, Elroy and Astro Jetson. It worked for me many years ago and still seems viable now. I hope to see a Jetsons proto type car before I die. There is a lot of air space that we are not using. Maybe those 65 and older could use the ground and the rest, could take to the air. The thing is we really have no idea what life will look like in 5 or 20 years from now. All we really do is speculate.

For those who believe that Jesus is who He says He is, the future is something that is not much of a mystery. It has pretty much been laid out. Not all the details but the basic premise. We all know that however we got here and whatever lives we have lived, it ends the same for everyone of us. Everyone of us. It is the one thing we all share, no one is exempt. No one will walk away, we will all die. Don't know about you but that is a sobering thought. I know it, I can compehend it but when I stop and really think about it, there is a overwhelming sense of uneasiness that I imagine, will always be.

What does the future look like? Where will technology takes us? The future, what does it hold? While I am not sure about much, I am putting all my eggs in one basket. Right or wrong, I have made my choice and plan to stand by it...

the power within...

From my perspective, Pick A Number Between 1-10, is one of the biggest power plays there is. Make no mistake, we all want/have/crave power Somewhere in our lives. Not the kind that will save the world or make us all hold hands but the kind that we can control, completely and thoroughly.

It is not the prettiest side of human nature to witness or be a unwilling partner to. Back to the whole pick a number thing, think about it. You set up the parameter, rules and you get to choose the outcome. It is kind of like getting to vote on your own raise, or getting to pick the interest rate on your mortgage.


There are as many way to mishandle power as there are humans beings. We can screw up everything with little help from anyone but again, there was one only one generation between the Garden and murder and plenty of blame to go around for everyone.

As per Wikipedia, power is defined as the ability to effect change or exert control over either people or things. We have all witnessed the misuse of power over the last year on Wall Street, by Bernie Madoff and hundreds of banks. The news that a young girl taken by a stranger at age 11 and kept for 18 years, and fathering 2 children with her, leaves us with a sense that people, have no ability to handle power in a humane way or in a good way. Power has been taken on many fronts, to a new level. One that can have us watching the breakup of a family on TV as entertainment or even worse, using the wrong criteria to pick role models.

Use your power carefully. With your family, friends and kids. With those who cross your path and those who have your back. Better yet, give it up. Give it up to Someone who can put it to better use. As a people, our track record isn't much to brag about...

FEAR NOT...

This last week has had a running theme. I didn't get that when I had a nightmare the other night and although it didn't make sense because I am not black, I couldn't go back to sleep and had a unrealistic fear settle over me. It is the first time I can remember ever yelling inside during a God-talk.

FEAR NOT, I yelled. I will not be afraid, you can't make me. I am claiming my Fear Not for the day and it covers everything. A couple more shoutouts and it was over. Morning came, fear gone...for now.

We all spend so much of our time fearing everything from soup to nuts. We even imagine things to fear. Things out of the ordinary, things that don't make sense but like the nightmare, have a hold over us. For me, I think it is time to be proactive and use my Fear Not, first thing in the morning. Start my day with the joy of thankfulness and the hope that fear does not have to rule the day.

We have many legitimate things to be fearful of. We live in unsettling times where our lives can be changed in a Moment. Last week, a co-worker of many years lost his grandson in a car accident and our old landlord's lost their grown son in a motorcycle accident. People are losing their jobs, their homes, their marriages. So, When Not If, is a daily concern. A concern that is valid, scary and real. Where do we go from here? How do we start our days if this fear thing is not a figment of our imaginations but alive and well?

That is the great thing, you get to pick. We each get to choose - and I am choosing to not repeat the week I have just had. If I have to shout FEAR NOT everyday until I buy it, I will. I want to be open and honest and that means embracing it all....

fallish...

Fall came fast this week. Very fast.
The cold came rushing in and out came the socks and the long sleeve shirts
and the hot cocoa.

It was also the first official Fall break from school and we had ourselves a few sleepovers. It is our custom to take everybody separately so we get some one on one time. The boys could not be more different as to what they like to do or where they like to eat.

Poppa and I thought it was strange on Wednesday when Gage picked Blimpie"s over Texas Road House, He LOVES TRH and poppa's mouth was watering for a nice steak. I must say, he did a fine job of covering up his disappointment and eating a deli sandwich instead. It was only yesterday while spending time with Keaton, that we found out that Gage's decision was based on a toy that he saw on tv that was suppose to be in the kids' Blimpie meal. Keaton said he wouldn't be doing his dinner the Blimpie way, it was mexican food for him - all the way.

We also love hearing the Stories that the kids share. The kind that start out, we are only suppose to tell this to family, and well, you are our family, It only gets better as they get older. I so love this part.

It is four am and I can't sleep. I watch their little heads and pray for the people they are becoming. I think about all the falls we have had and all the ones to come. I think about going to the pumpkin patch next weekend and the baby pumpkin treats I want to make. Even the discovery that your grandsons could be playing dinner music on the piano at Costco or any lounge in town is a satisfying feeling. I can think of no way better to start the week. A boy, some hot chocolate and the crisp feel in the air. A little Jesus in the morning to put it all into perspective and giving being thankful, a great workout...

Live Strong...

Today, this is my shopping list for what I can eat right now...

Instant Cream of Wheat
V8 juice
yogurt
sugar-free chocolate pudding
Hummus
mashed potatoes
Ritz crackers
rice
itsy bitsy noodles
grated cheese
cottage cheese
Fiber One bars, Oats and chocolate
ice cream - anywhere

The menu varies a bit and I have had trouble with some these foods. If I am at your house and you have homemade hummus or mashed potatoes, don't be offended but I won't try them. I don't add new foods often and if I do, it is at home where my emergency stash of meds will help me get whatever, down.

It has been over 8 years ago since I have eaten what we would all consider, normal. There had been swallowing issues for a long time. but there have been moments when I tried something different and I was over the top, giddy. Most days, it doesn't even bother me. I eat and we are done. Sometimes, like now - it bothers me a bit more. A smell or a well set table make me yearn to participate.

In the Big Picture, it is a small price to pay. Looking around, I know I am a lucky girl. We all have Something in our lives that we wish we didn't. Something that nags at us and we just wish it would go away...and it doesn't. I am a firm believer that Life Is Not Fair and embrace it. Sometimes, I have to imagine eating, say a cheeseburger. It is not really the eating as much as the smells, the anticipation, the juiciest - the experience. I can't imagine the swallowing part - that ship has sailed but this exercise really helps me get through the tough times. Might have to do it several times a day. Sweet and savoy, whatever the craving. Works for me.

Dwelling on it, is not for me. Wishing it weren't so, doesn't work for me either. This is where the AA creed comes in, paraphased - Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can. And, God works miracles and as long as you know and live that, whatever your Today looks like - is where you are suppose to be. As the Lance Armstrong people say, Live Strong...

gift certificates...

Two years ago, I donated a photo session and digital page gift certificate to a teen auction at the church. It came in a little fun package with a 12 month time frame for collecting the session. I remember thinking at the time, it was a good thing to put a time frame on the gift certificate because I didn't want someone coming out of left field years later...

So I waited to be contacted...and waited...and waited. I had heard thought the grapevine that my contribution had been merged with a another item so I knew it had been bought but I never heard from whoever bought it...until yesterday.

All the information to contact me had been included, several time - in the package. Email, home and cell phone - every possible way there was 2 years ago to claim their photo session. Yesterday I was contacted by Facebook by the person who bought my certificate. She was not a friend but I guess you can leave someone a note on Facebook without being a friend if it is a private email. This person explained that she had bought the certificate and would be in town this week and could I take pictures for her. I told her no, that I had plans and that was not possible. I told her I wish she had contacted me 2 years ago and we could have taken care of it for her. She acknowledged that the certificate was given to a family member who is not good at following through. I responded that I understood, that we all get busy and to enjoy her Idaho time. Then the response I got back was, Too bad I spent $125. I did not respond back. We were done.

Forget that this person has had over 2 years to contact me and say - Hey, I got yur GC and wondering if we can put it off until Sometime Down The Road? I would have been more than willing to forget the time restraints but to contact me 2 years later, seemed a bit, inappropriate and it made me mad. Over and over in my mind, I tried to take my mad out and finally said, what can I live with? I realized I could live with the the deal as it done. In fact, I am very good with it.

There is a sense of entitlement in our culture. You see in in all generations, young and old. It goes something like this - the rules don't apply to me. You know what - they do if someone makes, even forces you to be accountable. We have allowed people to not take responsiblility in allowing them to continue in doing what they wamt, when they want. With me, not so much.

I am glad this is done.
I always wondered what happened and now I know.
Sometimes, we screw up and it cost us...

fire drill...

I say that with a great deal of confidence because when I got home a few hours later and checked Twitter, there was no school issue going on. While I was stopped at the light, I saw swarms of kids walking along side the building and getting into rows. I grabbed my camera and as I cruised by, snapped these guys hanging out at 1030 in the morning. I could see that these junior high kids were standing in pretty neat rows, actually, it was quite impressive. They had learned well - don't know if they knew it was a drill or the Real Thing but it looked to me, they got it right.

I haven't been a part of a fire drill since high school. One would think that there would be places in Real Life for preventive drills. There is preventive measures for everything from pregnancy to brushing your teeth but for everything else, you are pretty much on your own and we all know how being on our own usually works out.

Real Life means no more automatic fire drills. You are now not only responsible for your behavior and choices but also, fire drills and not just the kind that may save your life if you forget to blow out a candle. With Real Life, doing some drills so you know what to do when you may be called to do it...and you are ready. Maybe not just for you but maybe, to save someone else.

If you haven't thought about an escape route at your home in case of a fire, do it now. Then move out and do a drill in another part of your life. Imagine what you might do and practice it. Maybe take a CPR class, learn the Heimlich Maneuver carry aspirin in your purse ( might save someone having a heart attack) or maybe, just practice keeping your cool in the case of an emergency and doing what needs to be done.

The only place that you can't drill on is God's grace. When you need it, it will be there. Not before. Would love to stockpile prayers but it doesn't work that way. What you can drill on is knowing where to go, when it is time. When not if, there will be a Time when you will need to hit the floor with prayer - all you need to know is where to go. Drill that and you will have it made in the shade...

once upon a time...

I am reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles In A Thousand Years and I feel alot like Rob Bell does,this book is powerful and unsettling. I am only a third of the way thru but I already am having trouble sleeping. In a good way.

Stories, ours - the ones we write and the ones we live. They really have a lot in common, In fact, they are totally interchangeable. The essence of writing a Story is quite simple. To quote Jordan from AMMIATY, A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

There are lots of things I must sort out...that and finish the book but there are some deep, God truths that are going to come to the surface. I can hardly wait. Why, you ask? Because I can see it leading to,and I never pass up an opportunity to live... happily ever after

bulls eye...

The human spirit is driven by the bulls eye. Even those who live in countries who have no idea about what a dart board looks like or what a bulls eye is, live it each and every day.

We each are driven to aim and hit the bulls eye, no matter who we are, where we live, what car we drive, what religion we belong to. The bulls eye has no competition in keeping up with the Joneses. Only those aiming for the same bulls eye are seen as any kind of competition and they come and go. Our bulls eye's also come and go. They can change daily, sometimes hourly and at their very worst, in an instant. Bulls eye's change with Seasons of life and circumstances we see and don't see coming.

For some of us, getting use to first grade is Bulls eye#1. It has been a hard road and needing good something to aim for. There is now a 9 day break in first grade so hoping all the work will not be undone in Day 10, hoping that dart stays in place, firmly implanted in that center circle. The best case scenario is that there will be a new bulls eye in 10 days...because make no mistake, there is always a bulls eye in our lives. It is what keeps us going and the direction or course that we choose to hit our target determines what life will look like. Whether a drug dealer or student...there is always a bulls eye, always a plan, a vision, a desire.

Pick your bulls eye purposefully, everything else will depend on it...

fall of 1979...

We are only a few days into fall and I am already feeling a new swell of life coming on. There is good news about Elijah, everyone is well and the crispness in the air can not be denied. Boise State is 2-0 and it seems that most everything is well.

A fall season doesn't go by when I don't think about the fall of 1979. It had been a tough summer and unlike 2009, there was much confusion and anxiety. A LDS Boy and a atheist Girl were trying to make their way through the Door been opened to them. There were threats. The LDS Boy told his best friend if he said Jesus loves you one more time, he would deck him and he meant it. It didn't stop his friend and there were never any punches thrown. The atheist Girl on the other hadn't, had a list of questions that she waved in front of her best friend's face, demanding answers, Answers that the friend patiently answered, one by one.

Sometime that fall, it became clear to the LDS Boy and the atheist Girl, that Jesus was who He said He was and they embarked on a now, 30 year journey. There have been ebbs and flows as there have been in Real Life but we have both come to the conclusion that either He is who He says He is...or He isn't. Pick a team. No matter what is happening on the field. No matter how many fumbles, bad calls and unfair Moments, it is what it is and you are either in or out.

I can't wait. The next few weeks I've got some photo shoots that I am so excited about. The backgrounds will be filled with red, golds and greens. Can't wait to shoot my babies for a Christmas picture, beautiful H for her senior pictures and families because really, what else is there?

I am a lucky girl.
These are great times.
Thank you Fall, you have been sorely missed...

time...

My cell phone is dead.
It won't charge,
I am lost.

After spending over a 1/2 hour with a TMobile CS person it was his determination that I needed a new battery and did I want to order one now? He explained that that the phone had a year warranty but the battery only 90 days and since it has been 6 months, I had no other option. I opted to take it to a real life TM locations before ordering a $47 battery. After spending less than 5 minutes with David, he determined that not only did I not need one of his $29sameasthe47dollarone batteries, it wasn't a battery issue at all.

Seems the phone is defective and won't accept the charger's promise of wholeness. After he spent 10 minutes on the phone explaining to a TM CS person how he went thru the process to diagnosis that the battery was not the problem, they finally relented and decided to send me a new, refurbished phone. She also explained to me that if I didn't return the defective phone with the pre paid envelope, I would be charged $300. REALLY, there are people who do not return broken phone. Great money making idea - wish I had a business and thought of this.

She also informed me that if and when they got the phone back, they would check inside and if one of the plastic pins was broke, they would charge me $100 - did I want to buy insurance for $1.99 a month? I have drafted a letter that will be duck taped to the bad phone that says the last 4 times the charger was plugged into the phone, was done by a TM employee. There is no way I am paying the $100 - even the nice man at the TM store said there was no damage to the phone. Old/new phone should be here in 7 days, I am still lost...

When you have time, you can accomplish much. Had I have been working, this would have been long, drawn out task. Even if you work, if you leave big gaps of time to be spent however you need - it is well worth doing...or not doing. That and to hear your DH after a particular long and ugly day say as he is racing back to work, I need another hug...

the messenger...

The Gaither Vocal Band just released a new CD with some old friends. One of those friends is Micheal English who had been part of the group and then went out on his own. His music was and is still, some of my favorite. There was a out of marriage scandal and he disappeared off the christian radar for a long time. I had heard he was back and when I saw he back with GVB, it brought tears to my eyes.

There but for the grace of God go I...and you. Just like the degree of separation thing, we are all pretty darn close to doing things we never could have imagined doing. It is just more visible when you are in the public eye in any genre but for any religious figure, I think it is a tougher climb back up. Even politicians seem to be on the fast track to a quicker forgiveness level.

The major difference I see between a Micheal English and Micheal Jackson is the Message. Character and honesty are one thing in a person, the Message they bring is something else. Even though Micheal Jackson had a great message in the Man In The Mirror ,there was little resemblance of it in his life. I am rambling but what I am trying to ask is, Does it change the truth of the Message if the messenger falls?

If your preacher, pastor, friend were found today to be caught in unfavorable circumstances, does that mean that the Word they have brought is null and void? I think not although it is difficult to separate the two. God has used imperfect people since the very beginning to spread the Word. He knew that would screw up before they did yet, He prevailed and used them anyway. I have had a hard time separating the two but I think I can truthfully say now, I would not be shattered. I understand the messenger and The Message are two separate things. I hope my God eyes have grown up. I will admit, I was stunned when the whole ME thing went down and he was sincerely, sorry. He retreated and put his life back together. You don't see that much these days. We have witnessed moral issues being covered up when there should have be prosecution. The Church has brought on it sown trouble by not doing the right thing and people lose faith.

The Word is the Word, no matter the shortcomings of the messenger. We each have failed many people in many different ways. It doesn't change the Message. The Message that God loves you and Jesus died for you. It is pretty simple, even else after that is just trying to explain a few simple principals. If imperfect people were good enough for Jesus, they better be good enough for me...

taking turns...

Wheat from Pathos Media on Vimeo.

September 20th, 2009 by kksmlizzie

Sunday September 20th, 2009

Praise God everyone, Elijah has taken a turn for the better today…………He is conscious as they have lowered his sedation somewhat to begin to bring him around so he will be aware of his surroundings. He recognized Joy and smiled at her when she talked to him, he was aware of his visitors and made motions to them that he was understanding them. They have reduced the amount of work the respirator is doing to have him begin to breathe on his own with secondary assistance from the respirator.

Joy was very excited today as we talked, Elijah had some friends stop by to visit him including KKSM friends Stephen Baldwin and Jeff Loope from the east side of the U.S.
Also family and friends from Winchester have been with him today.

They have moved Eli into a private room in the ICU unit and one of our friends knows the President of the hospital and he is taking a personal interest in Elijah and his care firsthand.

The medical team has made the decision to have Elijah on dialysis 24 hours a day hoping this will help him restart the kidneys and get them functioning again.

This is good news as he was not making much progress yesterday and now with the reports coming in it is obvious that all the prayers going up for Elijah have been effective.

Keep praying for Joy and Elijah and the progress made today.

God bless

KKSM Krew


This is the latest update on Elijah. It has been a hard week and this is the first hopeful news we have received. Wheat, this short was posted by Papa D on FB. He explained that they had made it for an upcoming web site before Elijah had to live what he has been preaching. E is in a place where each of us could be, and at sometime, will be. A place we never saw coming, that we were completely unprepared for and all that we can do is be still and know that He is God.

This could be me...
This could be you...
No rhyme or reason, no heads up, no warning...

We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities.
Not if but when.
Go be witnesses.

Elijah is now being a witness in a way he never imagined. The skate team is is being tested and the Word is alive and well. Hoping Elijah will be able to tell us himself soon. Praying E. Word...

advice...

We all give it and we all get it. Sometimes, it is asked for and sometimes, it is given freely. Sometimes too freely. I am guilty on all counts. We all are.

The thing about advice is whether you are giving it or getting it, you have to remember it is not truth, Advice is your opinion of anything, seen through your own personal filter. That filter takes in experiences, beliefs, likes and dislikes - and a whole lot more. We get offended when asked for our opinions and they are not followed. The thing is, the person getting the advice now has to run it through their filter and it will not resemble the advice you gave. How could it? There is not a one of us who has identical experiences. Even if we have a similar experiences, it is just one out of millions. Even with a comparable experience, the outcome will be like trying to compare apples to oranges.

In saying all that and I believe it is true, there are times that make you go... I read what I have mostly considered a reasonable-based column. Good, solid answers mostly. Good thing that we are not renewing the newspaper when our year subscription runs on in January 2010. I think Annie and her Mailbox have a screw loose...

Dear Annie,
I have been living with Alex for 2 years. We have a 9 month old daughter, Maggie. I just found out that Alex told his employer that Maggie had died. He received $300 and the company was going to hold a fundraiser to cover funeral expenses. I was furious. I called his boss and let him know that Maggie is alive and well. Alex resigned his position and returned the money.
Alex said he did it because I complained about our finances. That's a lousy excuse. I complained because I was tired of supporting all 3 of us. I pay for everything and Alex doesn't contribute a dime.
I told him this was the last straw and he needed to move out. He said once he gets his own place, he wants to see Maggie. Should I fight for sole custody and keep her from her father? Confused Mom In Omaha...

Dear Omaha,
We understand your concern that if Alex has unsupervised visits with Maggie, he might sell her. But in spite of his greed, is Alex otherwise a good father? Does he love her and care for her properly? Studies have shown that fathers who are involved with their children's lives are a major factor in the development of the child's self-confidence and how well they do in school. Unless Alex is abusive or teaches Maggie to lie, cheat and steal, a healthy relationship between them will be best for everyone.

REALLY...
Doesn't the threat of selling a child fall under the abusive flag? Is it just my filter or is this really, bad advice? Don't even get me started about the mother who is living a confused life. I pray that Maggie finds her way out of both of these people's lives. That is my best, filtered advice to her...

Word...

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

I have never had a good memory. An actor, I could never be. Less than 5 words, maybe. Early on, even though I was in my late 20's - trying to make myself memorize bible verses was just not happening. Early church years it seemed if I couldn't recite Matthew, Mark, Luke and John from memory all at one time, I was doomed.

Over the years, I have trained myself to be content with knowing the Word in smaller doses. The parables are Stories to me - I can't recite them word for word, but get the main idea. When you take out the oughts, you are left with what works for you. We each learn in different ways and Jesus doesn't care which way that is. Quite honestly, I am not impressed with those who can spit out scripture like a runner on a 250 K race. It is about taking the Word and obeying it. It is about the Word becoming Real in my life. It is about being in the Moment, in the Word.

Elijah Moore, one of the great kids in the KKSM skate ministry has been literally fighting for his life this week. All day, the Word, that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities , has been going through my head. E brings the Word to the kids. He preaches the Word. This is big time, this is war. He is out on the sidelines, someone else will bring the Word...for now. We are all praying for E to be back on the front lines, bringing the Word to those who have been given to him. Word.

I guess that is why the Message is my Word of choice. No chapter, or verse. No beginning or end. The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. Those are good words, good words indeed...

potato salad...

When the family meets this weekend to hobnob and burn burgers, the family member assigned to bring the potato salad is likely going to walk in with a couple of gallon plastic buckets of yellowish muck bought at a convenience store, the price stickers still on them, and set them down on the table with no apology whatsoever.

Or, if they have more disposable income, they'll bring paper containers full of brownish muck from the natural organic sustainable united empathetic co-op.

If you bring garbage to share with your family, the least you can do is tell a lie and say, "I couldn't make the potato salad myself because I am bipolar and my lover left me and my dog has leukemia and I have an oozing leprous sore on my mixing hand."

It is not that hard to make potato salad, people. Take half an hour away from your Facebook page and do the job right. Boil some eggs, chop the celery and chives and green onions, boil the potatoes, make your mayonnaise, maybe toss in a little sour cream, use plenty of dill, and sprinkle paprika on top. The eerie-yellow store-bought stuff in the tubs was manufactured at Amalgamated Salad in Houston by undocumented 12-year-olds from the hills of Michoacan. Worse, it is teaching our children that accomplishment doesn't matter.

A child served yellow slop from a bucket is being told that it's OK to plagiarize a term paper off the Internet just so long as it's poorly written. Garrison Keillor, Salon,com.

Amen brother.
That yellow muck that shows up at every church picnic and family BBQ. It is time take a stand. It isn't just about potato salad anymore, the tender souls of children are at stake. It has taken me 7 years to get Gage to freely admit that homemade hamburgers are better that McDee's or Burger King.

This summer I started mashing my boiled eggs with one of those potato mashers that looks some kind of branding iron. I LOVE how it uniformly gets those eggs ready for salad or sandwiches in virtually no time at all. The whole eggs mashing process, literally took my breath away.

It is all right to cut corners but we need to be responsible about it and potato salad is nowhere to begin. Use dull shears - it will take twice the effort but as long as no one gets hurt, who doesn't have a few hours a day to spare? Imagine a generation where the yellow muck was not only gone but where fables of its existence were met with playful skepticism.

Attend to the details. Teach your children manners. Write cogent paragraphs. Drive carefully. And make a good potato salad, one with some crunch, maybe accompanied by a fried drumstick with crackly skin -- the humble potato and the stupid chicken, ennobled by diligent cooking -- and is this not the meaning of our beautiful country, to take what is common and enable it to become beautiful? All our beautiful young people -- so diligent and focused and powered by hope -- you can't tell me those kids didn't have parents who took time to chop the celery and onions and experiment with the ratio of mayo to mustard to achieve a potato salad that is worthy of our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. Word GK...

from the desk of...

This isn't a picture of my desk but it could be. Surrounded by those things I love, searching the world on the internet, one screen at a time. It is my favorite non- person place to be.

Reading my blogs, checking in on Twitter and FB - all I need to know it right there.

Today, I am looking for updates on Elijah Moore. He is one of the great kids on the KKSM skate team that is fighting for his life. In a come and renal failure, it isn't looking good. We are all praying for him and his wife. God is good all the time, all the time, God is good.

I will check in with my 50 or so blogs. Last night, I found Chocolate Banana No Ice Cream and it is in my freezer now. Later on, I learned that Patrick Swayze had lost his battle with cancer. He will be Dirty Dancing to me forever.

The story about that poor student killed on campus at Yale. Found stuffed in a wall in a lab on what was to be her wedding day. There will always be an ache in our hearts when we hear these Stories and we will continue to hear thsese Stories. What a thing to count on.

A quick dash on Redbox to see what's new and checked out a few digi sites. Miss Holliewood has a new kit out and on sale. Guess you can figure out how that ended.

I have had this desk for over 15 years. It is 78 inches long and has two drawers. It has ruined me for any other computer desk. Wide and spread out, enough room for what I need and what I need that I don't know about yet. My Sally Jean necklace collection sits on a black statue right next to my 1 1/2 terabyte external HD. It is a beautiful thing.

The phone just rang. My sister fell at work and crushed her right hand. Her husband is out of town and she needs her dishes done today and a ride to the surgeon tomorrow. Looks like it is time for Real Life. Have a great day...

apology...

My perception is somewhere along the line, our culture has turned a sentiment into a lifestyle. It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. The truth is, it is not very attractive and certainly, doesn't add to the human credibility issue which already suffers enough.

There will always be those who are sorry after being caught. I truly believe they are sorry. I honestly believe they are sorry, they were caught. We see this all the time after a public outing of someone caught in a marital indiscretion. Boy, are they ever sorry but somehow in this new lifestyle of ApologyGate, it has become almost the new normal.

Growing up, that would get me slapped across the face. You knew if you had to say you were sorry, you truly were. It meant you had made a very bad choice and there would not be a second offense. Would not happen. Period.

In the last few days alone, we have multiple I'M Sorry issues. Republican Joe Wilson who yelled, You Lied during the President's speech last week. Can you really represent your district/people when you can't control your verbal actions? To me, I'm sorry doesn't cut it.

Kanye West jumped on the stage at the MTV awards during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to praise Beyonce's video. He later offered an apology. Big Deal. He is just living the Lifestyle.

Not to leave out the ladies, Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down a line judges throat at the US Open. She has been charged a $10,500 fine but so far, no apology that I can verify. Apparently a financial, forced I'M Sorry is a certified substitute for a verbal one.

If this is the new normal, I am officially rebelling. If we allow people to say, do whatever they want and only give lip service or a certified check in response, I'd say with much confidence - we're in big Trouble...

know...

There are many doors to knowing someone. There is the biblical one - where knowing is about being the most vulnerable you can be with a human in a physical way. A skeptic might say you can have sex with someone and not know a thing about them. That's is true and it is also true that something done out of context, changes the rules.

There is another kind of know that can only come from free-falling conversation. Whether at a coffee shop, or in a beauty shop or even around a firepit as was my experience last night. Spent 4 1/2 hours around said campfire with three fabulous women. Mother, daughter and daughter's friend. Basically 2 generations discussing everything from men to Jesus to politics. Where they are and where we have been. To see the world thru their eyes was a wonderful gift they shared freely. Sarcasm and cynicism ebbed and flowed just like the fire and when I rolled into my garage after 130AM, I felt the familiar joy of being filled up.

This morning, had to run to Walmart to grab supplies for DH lunch this week. I got the cashier that I have had many times before. I commented that the store seemed empty and we got into the church conversation. She offered that her mother had raised her in the LDS church but that now she was a wiccan and her husband was a satanist. I perceived that she was looking for a negative reaction, almost like she would be disappointed if it didn't happen. I gave her nothing. Nothing will change the next time I see her. I will not go out of my way to avoid her. The only thing that will change is now that I know her, she will come to mind and when she does, I will ask Jesus to throw everything I can think of...at her. Not because she is bad but because she need Jesus.

One of the things we talked about last night/morning was the possibility that the only thing Jesus asked us to do, the total essence of the gospel is to completely be/listen focus/ on who we are with at any given time.

Could it be that easy?
If that was the only thing asked of us, could we do that?
I don't know but it is worth a try.

I pondered teaching some sort of spiritual class but after some godly debate, decided against it. Wanting to invest myself somewhere. Maybe that investment looks differently that I imagined. I am going to make a conscious effort to find out. I don't think it will be easy or something that will come naturally but if it could direct me to the know, I'm in...

his corner of the world...

Monday, I was privileged to spend some time in Gage's little automobile corner of the world. The third seat is his domain while Morgan and Keaton sit in the middle bucket seats of the van. He was excited about me sitting in back with him and shared his space quite generously. Of course, he has his side and by the picture, you can see he has marked/decorated it with the things that are important to him, Jesus and Cabela's - not necessarily in that order.

He is way ahead of his seven years. He is nothing like the other two. Last Saturday, not able to wait to learn to read sometime in first grade, he spent two hours Saturday afternoon and learned how to read Dr Seuss's, The Cat In The Hat. In less than 2 hours. I know he can read it because while in his little corner of the world, he read the whole book to me, needing very little help. How do you teach yourself to read in 2 hours? Is it strictly desire, which he has in abundance when it comes to reading? It makes me wonder what I could learn in a few hours or even a whole day if I sat down and put my mind to it.

I think the answer is in this fabulous little mobile he has made. You take what is important and keep in uppermost in your mind. Go ahead and live your life but take the essentials with you. Don't wait for Something You Want to come to you, go seek it out. Just start and see what you can learn. You start with baby steps and build on it. Don't worry about the marathon, just learn to walk.

I always learn from Gage, the house that persistence built. He is a pretty no nonsense guy. He looked me staight in the eye as we got in the van and said, I would rather read than play.. That is a some kind of wonderful way to live. Focused, yet tender. Mentally agile, but whose greatest strength is one of his favorite sayings, Good Point.

I wish I were more like him.
Wonder if it is too late?
Imagine the person I could be if I could see the world thru his eyes,
and put it to good use.
Think I will start with,
The Cat In The Hat....

blogs...

A few new blogs that are making me think and grow. The first one is a blog about marketing and business. What does this have to do with me? Seth's blog is about so much more. Most of his stuff is about Real Life or at least that is what I see. Have picked up some great ideas and principals. Just like Square One. Sethgodin.typepad.com.

Square one is underrated
Perhaps the worst outcome most people can imagine when a project stutters is having to go, "all the way back to square one."

Apparently, square one is an unhappy place, and far away, too.

Hey, if you're lost, if you've gone down the wrong road, it doesn't make sense to speed up and keep racing down the wrong road. Instead, the smart thing is to go back to the last spot you were in where you had a chance to find the right road and start from there.

Square one: nicer than people expect.

6yearmed.blogspot.com is a wonderful journey into the medical world as seen from a young woman's perspective. This Program is brought to you by Metlife is one example.

Not being an intern anymore sure does have its perks. And it's downfalls too, but mostly perks. And in a (somewhat planned) change of events that I would love to discuss with your over coffee sometime, I took a slight detour in my residency training. Yes, I am still doing Pediatrics, but I am considering focusing on children who have chronic illnesses and special needs. And because of that, I am now working with adults. ADULTS! Plug your ears and your nose and close your eyes, there are ADULTS in the room! AAAAAAAAH. It's just for a few months, so I think I can survive. But eek gads this is a whole new world. Well, sort of. Currently I am working with adults who have had severe brain injuries. So they are sort of like kids. And then, not so much.

I had an older guy who came into the hospital with a blood alcohol level of 0.4 (=dead), and a head and neck injury from accidentally ramming his ATV into the side of his double-wide. Classy. After a long while, when he was well enough to stand, I asked him to walk in a straight line, as best as he could.

With his ruddy cheeks sticking up over his cervical collar and mashing into his eyelids, he scoffed at me. "Damn, girl. I couldn't even do that before I was a drunk!"

The last one may not technically be a blog but a great site to bookmark. Tasty Kitchen is the brainchild of Pioneer Woman and a fab resource for great recipes. Thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/. Here is my favorite version of Chocolate Eclair Cake yet.

2 box(es) Vanilla Instant Pudding (3 3/4)
¾ cups Powdered Sugar
2 cups Milk
1 container Cool Whip (Large 12 Oz Tub)
1 box(es) Graham Crackers (NOT Crumbs)
1 can Chocolate Icing In A Can (Dark Is Best)
Preparation Instructions
You will need a 9×13 pan.

Mix pudding with milk and powdered sugar (1 cup or less).
Fold in cool whip.
Completely line 9×13 pan bottom with graham crackers.
Then layer half of the cream mixture, another layer of graham crackers, and another layer of cream (the rest of it).
Top with a layer of graham crackers and spread the top with icing (it’s best to warm the icing first and pour it over).

Keep in refrigerator (if there is any left).

A good blog, it just doesn't get any better than that...

PS...maybe it does. Picnik.com is a fine little site to add a most anything to a photo or layout. The Museum matte under frames is free and fAB. You can also upgrade and buy the whole site for a year for a great price. Guess it just got a little bit better...

invisible...

Did I tell you about the dog and the invisible fence? We were leaving a yard sale and this huge dog in a huge yard, was barking furiously at us as we left a good 100 yards from his property. He was running sideways and it took a while for me to figure out why. He could have leaped that line and have got us...but he couldn't. He had learn his lesson and wasn't about to test the waters again. If he only knew. We live our lives alot like that dog. Call it comfort zone or whatever, we each learn where that invisible fence is...and we go no further. Never. After a while, it becomes automatic and we don't even think about the possibilities that exist outside that fence. Believe me, I am preaching to the choir here, but I am learning. I see it in little ways. Things that come over that fence, and I start to ponder, even consider. Ideas, journeys and possibilities. Those things I never, ever would have thought possible. I don't know why now except I see in myself the willingness to consider many more possibilities than ever before.

We had a great holiday weekend. Played some, got a call yesterday morning from some old friends and met them for breakfast as they rolled thru town. A quick trip up to Cougar Mountain Lodge for lunch only for find the boss gave them the day off. Had a nice little meal at Banks and a great time in the car.

I'm going to Cougar Mountain Lodge and I am going taking my
armadillo
basket of berries
carrots
dog
elephant
gage and, you get the picture.

We saw happy guy Sunday after lunch - he certainly wasn't being stopped by anything invisible or visable. Grooving to whatever he was listening too, made the rest of get a visual of that could possibly come from thinking a bit differently. Taking the plunge, thinking outside the box or just letting go for a few minutes.

I continue to have that image/icon of that dog running and barking. There is invisible all around us. What we can't see doesn't mean isn't there. Doesn't mean it isn't affecting us. Doesn't mean we should not look for it. Not sure I would have been able to say that but I am learning, I am learning...

dwell in possiblilty...

For the most part, when we think big and it is human driven - you better watch out. there are a few rare exceptions. Gage is one of them. It was one of our many trips to the dollar store, probably almost a year ago. They each got to pick out something and Gage picked out a rubber toilet plunger. We tried to talk him out of it but he wasn't having any of it. He has used it every which way...except as a toilet plunger. I have seen material tied around it and positioned in places, quite unexpected. Other than him and maybe a rare few others - dwell in possibility should be left up to Someone Else. Why? I will tell you why.

Adam and Eve...We're told that Adam and Eve chose to go their own way, to explore outside of the boundaries given to them by their maker and as a result, their relationship suffers. This story is immediately followed by the story of their son Cain killing their other son, Abel. Thsi is a rapid, dramatic progression from Adam and Eve to their sons. We've have gone from eating fruit to murder in one generation. Things are falling apart very quickly... Rob Bell, Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

See what I mean? We were in deep stuff almost out of the gate. When we start to desire to dwell in possibility, we need to go to where the action is. Where there truly is the hope, that it is so. Jesus told us to go out and be witnesses. What would the correct response be for a witness? To me, it would be what do you know and when did you know it. An explanation of first hand knowledge - not something over heard or had explained to you but having actual experience with. If there is any value in human DIP, it would only be in their witness, their lived out experience. They may help you understand and direct you toward the Possibility Dweller but only He is worthy. I think I understand more everyday that no matter what, anything is possible and that my friends, is my witness to you. Going from a girl who had no trust to one who has much now. Not because I think all will be good and happy and safe but because when it isn't, as it will be at times for each of us, I know where to go for comfort and Love. That is where I dwell, where I live and where I place my hope...

protection...

Had a conversation the other day about being over protective with children.
I am.
I will readily admit it.
Don't see it changing soon.

I might argue that we live in a different age and it really isn't over protection anymore, it is now, the new normal. We all wish we could live our front doors open and let in the cool breezes but without a deadbolt on the door, it is just not the safe thing to do. It is not 1960's anymore and if the good guys won't wear capes, it is pretty difficult to tell who is who anymore.

We get it with car seats and bike helmets. Never wore a helmet in my life. There is one hanging in the garage but mainly for show. When we bought bikes last year, DD said, Don't forget to buy helmets - got to set a good example for the kids! Now you see the kids automatically grab their helmets before bikes, scooters or skateboards. It is the new normal.

My new granddog got neutered today. The kids wanted to know what kind of surgery Banjo was going to have. After explaining that it was so he couldn't have any more puppies, they announced, but boys don't have babies. How glad am I that my expertise on where puppies come from, wasn't called upon. Protection comes in all sizes and colors.

And what is the deal with car seats? Dont get me wrong, I am all for them but why is it against the law not to have them on in the car but ok on the school bus. Is it really about the money and if it isn't, why is it safer not to have them?

I suppose if I was honest with myself, I would have them wear body armor along with that helmet everywhere they go. I want to protect them from every dangerous thing I can think of and more importantly, the ones I haven't thought of. I would throw myself in front of a bus to save them and rip into anyone who tried to take them. Bullies, bad teachers or mean kids on the playground - but I also want them to be able to take care of themselves. I want them to do some swing and standing up of their own. It is a fine line to balance both worlds and I will probably never master the balance. Will always be a bit lopsided but I think I can live with that and I just hope that, it will be enough...

social security...

Most of you are probably not on a regular newsletter basis with the Social Security people. I am. Every quarter, they send me a overview of what I will get in benefits should I live that long and I say live that long because one of their options is to delay taking benefits until age 70. Seems like a long shot to me.

If I jump at the first benefit age, 62 - I will get $800/month. If I wait until full retirement age (which as of this newsletter is 66), I will get $1060/month. Do I wait four more years for $260 more? I think not.

The final option is at 70 and for waiting until the bitter end, they are going to give me a whopping $1400/month. They are optimistic - I am pragmatic.

The good news is that I have earned enough credits to qualify for Medicare at age 65. Didn't know there were credits involved. What happens if you haven't earned enough credits - what are you eligible for? Anything?

My daughter is trying to talk me into getting a dog. They say that potential burglars will not even try to break in if they hear a dog barking. Doesn't matter how big, the barking is enough to scare them away.

I knew this was coming after a Saturday phone call that started with an excited little boy and the immortal words, You have a granddog! After shopping for dog food and finding out the cost of pet medical insurance, a pet is definitely out for us. Thinking about recording my granddog, Banjo barking and playing that from the CD every night to deter anyone who is even thinking about trying to make their way in. My screaming would also be a great deterrent.

I have five more years before I have to make up my mind about the Social Security benefit but will get to help DH who will be 62 next July make that choice soon. Of course with his motorcycle insurance, he may have to wait a while. In any case, looks like we can afford a dog or a motorcycle, not both...

generations...

We had a sleepover last week as kind of a last hurrah before school starts today. As I always do when we have these sleepovers, I couldn't sleep and watched their angelic faces as they slept, Keaton was closest to me and I just started praying for him as he starts 5th grade. My thoughts quickly took a turn and I found myself thinking about his grandchildren.

It was during a baptism of the son of good friends of ours that I got the idea to pray for the generations ahead of us. It had never occurred to me before. Praying for those I will probably or most likely, will ever know. It is a wonderful experience and as I pray for the spouses of my grandkids, I am thrilled as well. But last Thursday night wasn't about spouses. I could see Keaton kissing the heads of him grandchildren. I could see him quietly, teaching them to ride a bike or watching them at the park. I told his grandkids that they would be in the best hands and would have all the Love they could ever need. This boy to whom being kind is second nature. He can't help himself. He helps his sister and always offers hugs. He will give up (insert most anything here) for Morgan and Gage. If there isn't enough, he always offers to give up his portion. That is just him.

In the darkness of night, I told Story after Story to these wonderful little people that I will never get to hug but I still feel so close to. Secretly, I know how having him in their life will give them the courage to be the same to their families. It really is a privledge to think beyond what I can see to what may be. As I watched that sleeping face, I realize he is growing up quickly and all I can do is ride the Journey with him. If that isn't good stuff, don't know what is...

saturation...

After attending a funeral of a friend Friday, then attending the wake and funeral of Ted Kennedy that night and next day, today I can truthfully say, I have been saturated in the Love of Christ. I am totally and completely filled to the brim.

Funerals do that to me. There is a part of me that no matter what church or who gives the eulogy, I walk away with a sense of being alive. I am a new person for a few days, basking in what i have received.

The wake of Ted Kennedy was like the most rick dessert you have ever tasted. Story after Story of those he had touched. We laughed and cried, I felt like I had known him. No pretenses, healthy bi-partisanship and memories of a tragic life lived out with honor and yet no pretense of perfection. At the end after the most joyous rendition of Just a Closer Walk With Thee, sung like I have never heard by the Boston Community Church, I was flying high. Then at the end, when they started singng When Irish Eyes Are Smiling, you would have thought I was Irish, through and through. I sang my little heart out and meant every word.

This is the entiery of John Culver's speech - Well, well worth your time. To be honored by those who loved you whether they agreed or bitterly disagreed with you, is a wonderful thing. There is nothing greater than to be honored in humor. Nothing.

After a night of this kind of wonderful, was the religious part of the final farewell. The casket drapped by a beautiful cream-colored cloth was touched and kissed frequently by family and friends alike. It was a time that you couldn't help but feel the Love of Christ. It was almost magical to know that Someday it will be you or someone you love and you will go through what this family had to. It was just 2 weeks ago that they buried Ted's sister, Maria Schriver's mother. This family is tight, that fact was written on every minute of this public display.

I walked away wanting to be a part of the Kennedy family but knowing that I am the daughter of the King. I see this kinship with cousins, and family and imagine grand times but it was not mine to be a Kennedy. The King had something else for this daughter, something that was for her alone. The saturation this weekend is gift enough...

My bologna ...

has a first name,
It's O S C A R

My bologna
has a second name,
It's M A Y E R.

OHHHHHH...I love to eat it
everyday
and if you ask me why, I'll say...
cause Oscar Mayer has a way with b o l o g n a.

Nothing like spending time with the one you love. I remember seeing the Weinermobile when I was about Gage's age. It seemed much bigger. Someone else noticed it too. It big - like school bus big. The one we saw last week was about the size of a 10966 Cadillac but being able to follow the Weinermobile on any given day is present enough. Lots of pictures and a OC whistle are all I needed to make me happy. Guess I am good for another 50 years but it sure was fun to go back for one day. Great fun, indeed...

tragedy...

1963. Three days before my 12th birthday, President John Kennedy was assassinated, It was the Sept 11 experience of my generation. We forever have the imprint of the president waving from that convertible one moment, and hearing he was dead a few moments later. Less than 5 years later, Bobby Kennedy was killed after leaving a podium after giving a speech. After that, the family I associated withe the mere whisper of the word tragedy, was the Kennedy's.

At 36 years old, this is the legacy that Edward Moore Kennedy was left with. That and a lot of nieces and nephews to be daddy to. Weddings where he would walk his nieces down the aisle instead of their fathers and burying nephews because it was his to do. I remember thinking if I was him, I would work at Kmart and keep my head down. That would not be the end of tragic moments for this family - far from it. And Teddy would not live out his life without more than his fair share of issues but he would leave his mark as no other Kennedy man would be allowed to. More than 40 years served in the Senate as one who not only could get things done but was known for his ability to reach both side of the isle. He has a long fuse, colleagues say and didn't keep score. You might imagine with his family history, revenge, self pity and justification would be his theme. Seems it was just the opposite.

I knew 2 weeks ago when he didn't show up for his sister's funeral that he was not well. The youngest of the Kennedy children and the only boy to live a full life, the torch is now passed to the next generation of Kennedy's who themselves have bore much sorrow. Their legacy also mixed with tragedy, is one that we could all learn from.

They are a strong clan - family first. They have lived out their grief in private and kept their rehab to themselves. Focusing on Special Olympics and the Peace Corps and many, many more ventures, them have done what we all should do. Leave more than we take. They have taught us how to hang our heads high when there seemed no reason too. Tragedy is a part of each of our Stories, some more and some less. The rain falls on the just and unjust. It's not about what happens to you but how you handle it.

I admit when I think of Ted Kennedy, I think of Chappaquiddick. What really happened is between him and God now. His tragic life is now done. It is an end of an era for those of us who have lived these tragedies with this family. The legacy of the Kennedy tragedies ends with us. From now on and for this generation, everything will be seen from the 911 point of reference - the grassy knoll stops here. RIP Ted Kennedy...

necessary losses...

This week, I have friends who have watched their kids leave for college and I have friends who are watching their kids start their last year of high school this year. I still remember this time of my life in vivid detail, probably always will.

When DD was a senior, we had a delightful exchange student. We did have a good year and it ended with her parents coming for graduation and then a tearful goodbye. DD left to find herself and our other girl left and I found myself in an unfamiliar place with a unfamiliar future and few resources.

Somehow in the midst of trying to figure out what to do next, I ran across Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses. I was 39 years old and was starting to feel the effects of Empty Nest Syndrome. My entire life had revolved around taking care of Somebody and I knew nothing else. I have a job but I had long abandoned the value of it being anymore than a paycheck. The subtitle of NL was, The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow.. For me, I had to look back to move forward. It took a while but it has been a turning point in my life, and I have not looked back since.

Losses are necessary, not only in the life changing moments of our life but perhaps, in the everyday. If we agree that growing up is a life long process, then it just makes sense that there will be many losses. Some we have control over and most, we do not. A dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has elected not to pursue treatment. She wants to join her daughter in heaven and as of last Saturday, her daughter is there - waiting. I understand that thought process. I have long said, if my babies are in heaven, I am on my way. You guys take care of those left behind - I will go with the one taken too soon. It is not natural in our minds for a child to die before its parents. I think about Robert Manwill's father every day. Robert was not the only child this father had lost. He has a four year old boy killed by his first wife and now to lose another child at the hands of its mother is unthinkable to me. Few of us will suffer like this man has. Those are losses we can't imagine until they happen to us.

So that leaves us with the losses we can imagine, Those that are necessary for us to grow and to let those around us grow.

When we think of loss, we think of the loss through death of the people we love. But loss is far more encompassing theme in our life. For we lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety - and the loss of our own younger self...

It is a pivotal time in our lives. A time that we can move forward or not. Your life will never been the same, no matter how hard you try. Keaton will be in junior high next year. I can already see the winds shifting. He is leaving babyhood behind and heading toward manhood. I want to help him him get there. I already pray for the woman he will spend his life with. I love praying for the generations that I will never meet but I know will be. It is a wild experience where the unknown becomes the familiar and since I have so much time on my hands... might as well put is to good use.

No matter where you find yourself today, you have some necessary losses to face. They may be small, naked to the human eye but you know they are there. Your heart might be breaking and you know the losses are necessary but can't go there today. That's ok, just aim in the direction and as you grow, you will know...you will know.

Max and Ruby...

I am watching Max and Ruby.
It is a cartoon.
I am trying to find a sense of calm and non thinking.

It is only early Monday morning but my blood is already boiling over. The mayor of a local town wnats to raises taxes on his town of 5500 people so they can think BIG and pay 5 million for a piece of land to become a golf course and another million to build a municipal swimming pool in another town. He warns that his town needs to Look Ahead and Think Forward which, from many different previous experiences means, WE ARE GOING TO SPEND YOUR MONEY.

If you have been to this town, you wonder if these 5500 people would agree that they need a golf course. Their Big Success cousin who is a stone's throw away, seems to be the model that the mayor is shooting to be like. I don't know what employment and foreclosesures look like in this little town but can't imagine that they are wayyyy better than everyone else around them.

I will admit, I come from a long line of Big Thinkers. Zig Ziglar's Dare to Be Great programwas a big deal at my house. My bio family was the epitome of thinking big and in the meantime, we went hungry on more than one occasion. Whenever I hear this theme, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I am on high alert hence the need to watch Max and Ruby. Sometimes the realness of a cartoon can give you some-needed perspective. I needed that today. Really bad.

We need to leap when it is uncomfortable. We need to reach and stretch and grow, when it is uncomfortable. How we do that and do it right is and always will be a process for each of us. Not only in the direction of physical but more importantly, the spiritual. It is essential that we move when we should whether we understand or not but it is always in the direction of being better. Being better so we can be even better which means becoming less. When you think about it, it really does make sense for us to be more when we want less or want much, much more because of the less.

Feeling better now - a bit calmer and refocused. Whatever else crosses my path today, I think I am good. Can't tell that I did my 100 Things I am thankful for today. I was fully thankful at 4am but lost that in the next 6 hours - back on track, I am feeling hopeful and more importantly, thankful...